May 22, 2014

Sitting at my desk on the computer at work, everything looked different. As I was doing my work, the document I was looking at started to break up into pieces. Well, a better way to explain it is a little white spots started to pop up everywhere my eyes looked. Like, someone was ripping rounds blank holes into the computerized document.

I tested this out with a notebook of mine in the desk drawer. Same thing. What the hell was going on? Now...in truth, this wasn’t the first occurrence of this visual scariness. The first time took place a few days earlier, but I didn’t think anything of it other than the Sun got in my eyes and sometimes, the light can be so bright that it can cause some very temporary moments of inability to see clearly. It didn’t happen every day from the first time, so I let it go.

However, on this particular day, it was actually starting to scare me. I had just recently dealt with yet another bout of the red eye and sensitivity to light issue. It had been going on and off for about several years. Not often, but when it did happen it drove me crazy. At first, I thought it was pink eye, so I did the usual medicinal treatments for pink eye including chamomile eyewash, warm compresses, and realizing in the dark spaces in my apartments. If push came to shove, I’d go to the drug store and get the over-the-counter homeopathic pink eye drops, which works wonders.

This time was different. Needless to say, I had an appointment to go to the eye doctor. I was told it was diabetic retinopathy. I was a little shocked about that considering that I always felt joint pain and issues with stiffness in my fingers, hip, toes, and my eyes, particularly, my right eye.

A few years earlier in 2011, my vision got a little bad, but it was quickly corrected with some 2.25 readers. I wasn’t shocked and at the same time I was shocked. I had been battling Type 2 Diabetes for quite some time. My eating had gotten out of control and although, I agree that’s part of the issue, I ever stood firmly on the fact that it was the whole issue. There are other energies at work here where my eyes and my overall health are concerned. I am not in denial. A little afraid maybe, but not in denial. That’s why I’m a little afraid, because I get the reality of it all. But, I am an Aquarius. Like, the Star card of the Tarot, I always have hope that things will get better as long as I am taking the right steps.

There’s a very light gray color in front of my eyes sometimes, at other times, there’s just blurry vision going on. If too much light (Sun) get in my eyes I am gray for a little while until they readjust to the environment I am in. Someone once told me several years ago at a former job in my hometown that I had iritis. I never went to the doctor to get it checked out. The more I read up about iritis, the more I am believing that’s part of my issue as well. I don’t like going to doctors but I will have to go to get the possible issue of arthritis checked out and have an eye doctor check me out for iritis.

In the meantime, I am using Eyebright, on Levamir insulin twice a day (a slow, long acting insulin). My highest blood sugar was 264. That’s high for me. I know it’s not for other people who suffer with diabetes, bless their hearts, but too high is too high.

I was severely addicted to sugar. At one point, I was on the verge of beating the addiction in 2006 through 2007. I had found a wonderful chiropractor and nutritionist, a nice husband and wife team in my hometown. They were all about natural ways of healing, which I was looking for at the time and still look for now. I was getting my spine aligned on a regular basis. I knew massage therapist and we were bartering Reiki for massages on a monthly basis. I was following the nutrition plan as directed. I was practicing my yoga and dancing faithfully. I was taking cinnamon and chromium supplements. I was learning how to juice and make healthy smoothies. My blood sugar checks were on point. All was well! Until…

A variety of things were taking place and none of it I could stop. Whether it was watching loved ones with illnesses get worse, old family secrets coming to the forefront, petty bickering, feeling overwhelmed at work, trying to start and maintain writing ventures that brought me joy, but only growing more tired - with all this, my own health got slightly worse. itself.

And on this day in Spring 2014, I found myself there again but even worse this time and cost me some of my eyesight. Being stubborn. Being hard-headed. Undisciplined. It was challenging especially when the emotions got out of control. I was mediating and doing the downward dog pose, but apparently, it wasn’t enough to help me keep my emotions in balance. Or, perhaps, it was enough, I was just used to doing the same thing - ea, sugar, salt, and fat.

The blessing in all this gray-sighted legally blind madness is that I have always been active. I move around a lot. It’s hard to make myself sit down or slow down sometimes. This has been the blessing that has kept me alive. My love for dancing, walking, moving around like a chicken with my head cut off, it’s all blessings. That energy, that life force being stirred up on a regular basis kept me going. And...my connection to the Divine.