You can take selfies of it,
You can send it in a picture message,
But my cookie still crunches louder than yours.

You can beg with urgency for a call,
You can pretend to be more than a thieving whore, 
But my cookie still crunches louder than yours.

You can falsify your claims for advice, 
You can wear a cross of innocence as your birthright,    
But my cookie still crunches louder than yours. 

You can play the card marked loyalty,
You can try the hard luck story routine,      
But my cookie still crunches louder than yours.

Your misguided attempts to trump my 
Soft-centered sweetness has left you lurking 
In the shadows of shame and secrecy, 
Lapping up scraps, nibbles, and bits of my chocolaty chips.

You’re an unnatural source;
A sloppy imitator, 
Loaded down with artificial  
Ingredients, colors, and preservatives 
With nothing of substance to offer.

Your finale is at hand
So please take notice,
And don’t let me have to repeat myself, 
Mine is the real cookie crunch 
         – 100% natural – 
And it will always crunch louder in his ear 
Than yours ever did.