My Former Self

by LaVerne N. Curtis

It was a cold, dark, wintry night. The weatherman said to expect snow, as well as falling temperatures. I had just put the children to bed, and went into the living room to relax a bit, and unwind from my busy day. The goal was to "still" my mind. This would be a feat in and of itself. Hell, it was already racing, and thinking of the next day. As I sat and pondered my next "thing" to do, it hit me like a ton of bricks. The many relationships I had involved myself in, paled in comparison to the one I've always had with myself.

You see I went out of my way for these men, jumped through hoops. I aimed to please, again and again! Wasn't that what a "good girl" was supposed to do? I had to prove to them that I was worthy of their attention and affection. Never thinking of the sacrifice of "self" I was making, each and every time. Not to mention how I surrendered my dignity with each touch. Then there was "the one," or so he called himself. My first instinct was to run to the first exit sign, and never look back. Instead I hung around to listen to the rhetoric this brother was "spittin." I was worthy of goodness, I told myself I deserved to be adored, loved and cherished. Right?

As the night progressed, different thoughts and relationships floated through my head, very visual, might I add. It was at that moment I held myself. I embraced all of my decisions, bad choices, and everything else that came along with being me. I knew I had to own ME, complete and outright.

The love for myself was never as intense as the love I had for these brothers. For that matter, I had never truly received it back from them the way I gave it. I mean unconditionally, and intentionally. Each relationship was contingent upon something. The exchange always seemed to lack balance.

At that moment I realized that I was the love I was seeking. The sweetness, the happiness, the precious feelings that I sought for years from others, was inside of me, waiting to be ignited.

It was at that moment that I gave myself permission to say goodbye to My Former Self. I turned the lights out, went to bed, and cuddled with myself.

My Former Self by LaVerne N. Curtis

© Copyright 2004. All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be duplicated or copied without the expressed written consent of the author.

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