Binging & Purging

by Lakesha Jenkins

Binging and purging destroying the balance 
so precarious within this body fighting for control
The quest to overcome and win
This battle between the physical and spiritual realm overwhelming me
Caught up in others perceptions of who and what I should become or be
Struggling this maze of uncontrollable
Desire, rage and need creating such hostility
Binging less than I purge but infinitely more than meets my needs
This gluttony creating a black hole which sucks me dry internally
Bent over the toilet after over consuming, infected mentality
This secret kept so guarded until sometimes 
I find myself attempting to keep it even from me
Purging what little that's left inside me
Barely holding within an ounce of ever growing personal emotional complexity
Crippled by the loss of balance which was the glue holding together my precious sanity
Impatience to rid myself of painful memories recurrent in nightmares
Unresolved a myriad of childhood deficiencies
Blood curdling screams are strangling me 
as my attempts to swallow its bitterness back inside 
that corner of me where darkness is confined
Binging myself on the pleasures of the flesh 
through late night phone calls and early morning rendevous
How very unfulfilling
Purging until all that comes pouring forth is the bile of emptiness
So indescribable this sensation of utter nothingness
Inside the turmoil threatens to overload
Maybe the reason I purge is to keep the binging from making my inner me explode
The dynamics of this disease so easy for others to overcome 
becoming life threatening to me
Self-destructive my very nature
Internal scarification on critical mass 
equals suicide by vicious emotional body dysmorphic disorder
Mental warfare has no possibility of success 
when issues long denied rush forward in well planned attacks 
for which I can not seem to mount a viable defense
Watching myself in the mirror...looking so unlike me
But touching my face I realize there is zero deniability
These eyes so like my own stare straight into my soul
Out of control and fearing the consequences 
But feeling powerless to change the direction of my body's addictive flow
Binging and purging....
Binging and purging....
Binging and purging broken pieces of a once intact soul 

Binging & Purging by Lakesha Jenkins

© Copyright 2007. All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be duplicated or copied without the expressed written consent of the author.

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