Part One

Today is a day that pressure and pain rolled over in my heart and mind even when I know God is right here. Reality is a monster sometimes. Especially when it comes to my children.

I asked the question many times that my son Lionel asked. What had he done so bad that not one of those that claimed to love him found time for him, not one found him worthy of their time. His Uncle Melvin and Ruby use to visit and they stopped. Delores use to go but when he broke loose in her she swore she had never gone, but the pictures told different. Had I known what I know now he would have went with her. Aunt Ida visited as she promised she would. But out of eleven uncles and aunts on my mother's side alone, not even one found him worthy to write, visit or put a few bucks on the phone to hear his voice. He didn't ask for money etc. Not one of those cousins or family gave him a second thought.

The worst pain in the world other than something happening to your children is to find that your own sibling is the one who helped him get there. It was my own sister who taught him to steal and to introduce him to alcohol and drugs. Her introducing him to drugs started his life of living hell. At the age of 15 years old I sent him to intervention cross road for six months. I had meeting with them every Wednesday. Sitting in classes with young addicts hooked him on drugs of all kinds.

At the age of twelve years old my son was in and out of jail, until I foolishly send him to live with his father. Parents need to know what they are doing when they speak horrible things to their children. "Boy you are penitentiary bound. You gone be just like your uncle, spend your whole life in prison." He asked him for forgiveness before he died, but he did not remove the curse. He had already received eighty years for robbery.

The tongue is a powerful weapon. Parents represent God in children lives and as they speak so is it. My son isn't the only one who is in prison because of the "Lack of knowledge or the rejection of knowledge." If parents would only take time and read the Word, study it and give their lives and children lives to the Lord.

The sister that I loved so much even took the bread out of my children mouths.

I only found last year that the first time my son went to jail was for stealing earrings from Carson for her. He got caught and she went to the station and got him out. She never mentioned it to me. And she got the nerves to say she don't understand why her own children are treating her the way they do and feel about her the way they do. If lies could make one truly rich, she would be the richest person in the world.

At least one of his cousins had the courage to straight out say "We have our own lives." They were right, they do have their own lives. It's hard enough staying focused on their own. I have no anger for them, I know what it feels like to have more then a handful. Yet I have always tried to be there for whomever needed me.

My son's been locked up 15 years now. I just pray that those that feel he's where he belongs, never find themselves in the predicament or situation he's in. My son have spent his whole life in one prison or another mental or physical because my sibling taught him how to die. Yes, She killed him along time ago.

He might never see any of you all again but I want you to know he cares. He ask about you all with every visit. You all were the only relatives he got to know. He spoke of one of his cousins, and said I remember when I used to feel like “Until death do you part.” I just knew we would grow old together. Well dead was short lived. His cousin haven't seen him in more then fifteen years, and not once bothered to find time to put money on the books to talk to him and they are closer to him then I am. I am six hours away.

I can't speak of my dear loving sibling unless I pray. I forgave her after all the dirt she did to me and she turned and bled me like a hog again. Not a sheep.

Had I to do it all over again, I would have taken Peter's advice and left Illinois and never looked back. I introduced her to the best friend I'd ever had. She might as well had taken one of my swords and pushed it through our hearts. No matter what she did I can't take her out of her living hell. Only she can, by giving her life and heart to Jesus Christ instead of running to the church claiming to know and service the Lord God.

I dusted off my feet and left her house. The dirt she did to me, I yet wonder did she push me down the stairs. I can still hear them. They all laughed and went back into their rooms and closed the door. Ray, her man at the time asked, "How can you all laugh, she could have killed herself?" They started speaking of my weight and they weren't going to try and pick my big a-- up. Instead of taking me to the hospital she went herself, lying that the doctor said she had a stroke and wanted me to stay there with her children. They weren't children, they were more grown than I was in mind and body. Everybody did what they wanted too.

I called my nephew and his step father and they took me to the train station, I sat there for three hours alone, thoughts running through my head that I didn't want to believe. I had just got out of the hospital from a back surgery. Later she called me after telling the land lady I wouldn't sue her if she would drop the back rent as she moved. She claimed the banister had been broken before I felt, but she never told me.

I never went back until her second son graduation, and that's when all hell broke loose. She came for me and my son and grandson that beautiful Saturday I felt it in the air and went on. I broke my walker and went on, because she had drove to my place to pick me up. Before the sun went down she'd called me every name but a child of God. I choked in disbelief. My older sibling and her daughter had come to the house, she said “what is going on in here? Girl I can hear you all outside.” She tried so hard to convince her that I had did some horrible things but the things she spoke of the older sibling knew I hadn't nor had I any information on the other garbage she spoke of. This was her son's high school graduation. Our son's were all planning to go out together. They didn't know what to do, so I left with the other sibling and the boys went on.

Had I listened to the Holy Spirit telling me to stay away from her none of this would have happened, at least not then. Yes I forgave her. But her conscious, the little she had left, challenged me again. Praise God. Praise God for His love. For His forgiveness. For Him being God. I closed the door to all that concerns her. She can live in her living hell with those that took her there. God forgave me for my thoughts and desires.