Chapter 1

A Taste of Desire

I’m alone in this world now. There use to be a mother who loved me in my life, but she was murdered 6 months ago. My father don’t give a damn about me or the rest of his children. To think that my mother use to stress that I show him love makes me cry. He’ll never feel anything warm and fuzzy from me again. Am I okay with this? No. Can I do anything to change the present course of my life? Hell no!

It’s very shocking the way my life has turned out. I really miss my mother. She was my backbone, my strength, my everything. No one else will ever hold a candle to her. Nineteen years with my mother has taught me the essence of womanhood. One of the most important concepts my momma taught me is “Age doesn’t make you a woman. It takes years and experience.” That was my momma, always havin’ a sayin’ for everything. She was truly an advocate for strength unity and love. I will miss her.

So who am I? I’m a 19-year-old virgin with 3 kids. They’re my sisters Alexandra 15, Angelica 13, and my brother Lawrence 12. I love them all so much, sometimes more than my own life and I would look death in the eye if it meant their safety. But back to who I am. I am Desire. Momma told me that when I was born I had a look of desire in my eyes. A desire to “…do or be something great.” Momma said. So that’s me, 19, 3 kids, big dreams, and a great responsibility. Now you’ve got a little taste of Desire. Motherless, fatherless and fresh out of high school. All I have left is my “children” and my poetry. But I will go on.

Chapter 2

The hell I call life

“How you doin’ babe?” said my boyfriend D.J.”

“Hey honey, listen I gotta get my babies, are you coming?”

“Yeah boo, no doubt I’m wit you,” said D.J.

Me and him been together for 8 months now. He’s been a great support to me and I am grateful. I don’t know what I would have done with out him. Now don’t get me wrong, cause I’m the last sistah to need any man for anything, but his support is greatly appreciated. I love him with all my heart and one day he will know.

Anyway, enough about my boyfriend for now though. I remember 6 months ago when I still had a mother, a time when I still had place for positive thoughts about my “father.” 6 months ago…

“Desire. Desire, get up, it’s time to go to school.”

“Alright momma, damn, what time is it?”

“Its 6:30 and watch your damn mouth.”

“Momma how u gonna swear at me and tell me not to do it?”

“Do as I say and not as I do, daughter.” Said my mother with a smile.

She thinks she’s so funny sometimes. I gotta give her credit though; she’s funny as hell.

“Ma, today is the poetry slam. Wish me luck.”

“Hey, don’t leave yet. Tell me which poem you gonna read?”

“Come on, ma, you’re gonna make me late.”

“Excuse me for caring about your sorry little life. I only carried you for 9 months, was in 16 hours of labor and ill, pushed-”

“-my big head through a 10 centimeter hole. Yeah, I know ma, chill out. This year I’m reading two poems. One of them is ‘I Am’ and the other is ‘Who do you think you are?’”

“Ooh honey, make me proud.”

“ I will, momma. You know I gotta shut down tha haters.”

“How’s everything doin’ between you and that girl who don’t like you?”

“It’s straight for now but she gets on my last nerve. With her skinny long faced self. She acts like she’s the queen of beauty. Don’t get me started.”

“Yeah, cause you know that you never shut up. Remember what I taught you. Hold all your anger until she hits you. Then knock her on her skinny ass.”

“Ma, you’re crazy.”

“I’ll see you later, Da Da.”

“Bye mom. I love you.”

My life is so crazy. Most of the boys fear me, and the girls think I’m stuck up or that I act too “grown.” I’m just a mature young sistah who wants nothing but the best in life. I don’t have time for silly little girls, and won’t make time for wanna-be players, casanovas, and thugs. I just can’t do it.

-----

“Hey ‘chell, how you doin’?”

“Girl I’m tired as hell. You ready for the slam?”

”Yeah you know I am. I ain’t even nervous but I am feelin’ the attitudes some of them girls are gonna give me after. They love when I write about the triflin’ ways of boys, but when I touch on their attitudes and dumb ways of thinking they can’t stand me. Its funny.”

“Yeah, Da Da, I know. It’s no sweat though, you know you can handle it.”

“Yeah ‘chell, I can huh?”

“Did you and your boo boo go out this weekend?”

“Yeah, we went out.”

“Well, what you holdin back for? Let me know how it went.”

“Aiight ‘chell, calm down. He took me to the movies and after we walked and talked and we kissed and kissed and kissed. You know how it goes. We talked some more then he took me home.”

“Oh, I’m so happy you had fun. It seems like someone’s getting love struck.”

“Naw heffa, get tha hell outta here wit all that. I ain’t love struck.”

“Damn ‘chell, look who’s behind us.”

“Oh no, not this bitch. Yo, don’t say nothin’ to her, Da Da.”

“I won’t, ‘chell. Help me Jesus.”

“Hello Michelle, Desire. I heard about your little date this weekend. I’m surprised, I thought for sure that you preferred women. Ha ha-ha.”

“ Yo ‘chell, you hear that?”

“Hear what, Da Da?”

“It sounds like a horse neighin’ and it looks like Mr. Ed got loose.”

“Oh damn, D, that’s hot.”

“Come on ‘chell, good-bye Tasita. Enjoy your oats, I mean day.” (Smile)

“Da Da, lets go get our edumacation.”

“Yeah whateva, Homer, lets go.”

“Allriiat, children. Aw’ll ya’ll sit over theyer sos yous can watch tha moovie.”

“Mr. Hammitte, which movie are we watchin’?”

“Well smart bug, since we’ve been reading Hamlet I guess we’re watchin’ it. Is that that okay, Desire, huh?”

“Listen here, Mr. Wally. No one asked you anything. If my memory serves me right I said Mr. Hammitte. Nobody asked Wally anything.”

“Hey it’s Mr. Wallace and watch your mouth. I’m a grown man.”

“Yeah, leave me alone with your skinny legs.”

“They’re getting bigger alright!”

“Oh I’m so sorry, did I hurt your little ego?”

“Desire stop all that name callin’, yur hur-n Mr. Wallace’s feelins.”

“Calm down D, dag, yo.”

“Class, take out yur planners. I should hear the pitter patter of little planners and eager pens. All ready and waiting for tonight’s assignment. Tonight you should or tonight you would or even tonight you shall, or hey, how about Shakespearean When heavens eye doth behind the trees set and the silvery moon-“

“Mr. Hammitte, no one wants to hear you babble on and on. Can you please just give the assignment already?”

“Oh Desire, you’ve hurt my feelings. I can’t believe that thee would sayest a statement such as… naw I’m funning wit ya. Class take a part from Polonius’ speech and write a J.W. See you tomorrow. Holler ahhh!”

Did I or did I not say that my life is crazy? Crazy friends crazy, teachers, and a crazy schedule = one crazy life. Ricky Martin must have written “livin la vida loca” for me ‘cause I’m definitely livin’ a crazy life. I really don’t think of my life as bad though. Yeah it’s crazy and things get overwhelming, but it’s not bad. In fact my life is great. I’m in my senior year, and I have this great boyfriend. My momma’s crazy but she loves me. My sisters annoy me but I would still do anything for them, and life is great! To top it all off I’m on my way to college. This is so right it can’t get no righter!

Chapter 3

The turning point

“Oh, I can’t believe what’s happening to my family, ‘Chell.”

“Da Da, what’s wrong? Oh, please tell me your momma and daddy ain’t back together.”

“Well if I said that I would be lying to ya cause they is. Trust me I didn’t want this to happen either. He’s so violent sometimes.”

“Girl all I can say is take it to God in prayer. You know He’s a way-maker.”

“Yeah, Chell, I know. Listen, I can’t stay long cause I gotta know what’s goin on in my home.”

“Not this shit again. Whenever he gets back in you stop hangin with us. We don’t want this to happen again.”

“I know, Chell, but I gotta know she’s okay. I’ll see ya’ll later.”

Boy, did I speak too soon. My life is now hell. All cause of one damn decision. Damn that man I have to call father. Its gonna be okay though, cause he can never stay for too long. Hopefully, this time he won’t be able to get back in.

“Can’t say hi to your old dad now, girl? What’s wrong with you? I’ve been away for a while, I know, but I still love you.”

“Hi. How have you been?”

“I’ve been good. You?”

“I’m livin’. Still strong in mind and heart.”

“Naw, baby girl, its mind, body, and soul.”

“Well you need to have a strong heart to live my life. Excuse me please.”

“Desire?”

“Momma?”

“Can I talk to you real quick please?”

“Sure momma. What’s up?”

“I would really appreciate it if you would show your father a little more respect. After all you wouldn’t be here if not for him.”

“Well mom that being true I don’t know whether to thank him or curse him.”

“For what?”

“For living. Look mom, I hear you, okay? I got tons of homework and I promised my girls I would work with them.”

“Ok Da Da, see you later.”

“Bye mom, I love you.”

Show my father some respect. You should know that I’m not good at putting up fronts. With me everything is straightforward and blunt. Now some people think that I’m rude for that but I think I would rather have the rude truth than a deceitful lie. What I’m tryin’ to say is I have no respect for my father so why should I show any? I can’t show something that I don’t feel, but I’m willing to try anything for my momma.

“Desire! Desire its me baby wait. Slow up, boo, damn.”

“Oh, hey DJ, what’s up?”

“Girl, why you walking so fast?”

“I’m not walking fast, I just take longer strides than you can!”

“I’m getting tired of your short jokes, D.”

“I only do it cause you never say anything. Now that you have I’ll stop.”

“Naw boo, I’m just messin’ wit ya.”

“Uh uh, I’ll stop Dj, honest.”

“Aiight girl, whatever. Where are you goin’?”

Can I be honest with you? I’ll do anything for him. We’ve been together for 2 months and I already know that I love him. He’s the love of my life I swear. If he only knew…

“Desire did you hear me?”

“Naw baby I’m sorry.”

“You looked a million miles from here just now.”

“I wasn’t though. Whenever you talk I hear poetic versus in my head. You’re my muse.”

“That sounds really sweet even though don’t know what the hell a muse is.”

“Oh a muse is a person who is an inspiration to an artistic individual.”

“Is that the dictionary definition?”

“That’s not funny D.J. I have to hear crap like that all day in school. It’s not a bad thing to be smart.”

“Yeah, but you’re beyond smart. You’re like a human dictionary type of smart.”

“Whatever. I guess you want a dumb girl who never knows what the hell they’re sayin’ and who isn’t about to go to Harvard and study to become a lawyer.”

“Oh man D, you’re goin to Harvard?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t tell my momma yet cause my sorry excuse of a father was there and got me all wound up.”

“Oh no, he’s back? Damn, I know that this must be hard for you but-“

“Yeah I know and I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I know your gonna say ‘He’s the only father you have so show him some respect.’ Baby I know it’s true but it’s hard for me and I don’t want to fight about this. I need you on my side for now.”

“Baby, you know that I’m always by your side as well as on your side. I care about you and if something is affecting you I wanna know.”

“Oh I know that, it’s just that though your advice is what I need to hear, it’s not what I want to hear. But I respect you for being real with me and saying things that I need to hear.”

“No problem, sweetie. Where are you goin’?”

“I’m on my way to Chell’s house.”

“Okay, I’ll see ya later baby.”

“Uh-huh, see you.”

“Your not leavin without givin me my kiss, are you?”

“Naw, baby, never that.”

Tell me that he’s not the perfect boyfriend. He checks on how I’m doing and all the while not taking over my life. I love him. I love him. I love him.

“Eeeww! What you all smiley about, D?”

“Shut up. Ya’ll ain’t funny.”

“Oh boy or should I say ‘Oohh, D.J’. You just saw him didn’t you?”

“Yeah, I did. What’s it to you?”

“Girl, you love him, admit it.”

“Bird, she don’t have to tell us nothin’. Desire, when you do finally tell him first let us know, okay?”

“Yeah, Chell, I will.”

“So D, why are you here? Chell told me that you were staying home today.”

“Yeah, I was but my father is there and he gets on my nerves with his insecurities and his lies. And if I hear him say how much he loves me one more time I’m gonna cry. He wouldn’t know the first thing about love.”

“Desire just remember that you gotta be strong for your family. Don’t let him try and break your strength.”

“Everything your sayin is true, Chell, but sometimes I feel so trapped. He’s so violently abusive that I can’t help but feel trapped. Besides there’s not much I can do, other than call the police and hope that he stays in jail this time. This is so crazy and I really don’t want to talk about this no more.”

“Just remember that we’re here for you if you need us.”

“Yeah, thanks. I love ya’ll.”

It’s really hard for me to talk about my father. I have all these mixed emotions and usually end up feeling very angry or very sad. Still though, its good to know that I have girls that got my back no matter what. They understand me and never sit in judgment of me or my situations. Thank God for friends like them.

Chapter 4

Alterations

“Good night, mummy. I love you”

“Good night, Desire. Sleep well, ok.”

The very last word’s I would ever say to my mother and hear from my mother.

“Alexandra? Come here.”

“What’s up D, why you callin me?”

“I wanted to say good night cause I’m goin to bed.”

“Oh, aiight, me too. I’m mad tired.”

Sleep is a rare commodity in my house. It is a time that I have come to treasure. I even have this little ritual that I go through that consists of brushing my teeth, wrapping my head, and saying my prayers. You know the one that goes:

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the lord my soul to keep

If I shall die before I wake

I pray the lord my soul to take

God bless mommy…

That’s a prayer I’ve been saying for a long time now.

“I’m tired of your shit, Darrell, get out of my house. I should have never let you back in my house. It never changes; you always go back to your same shit. I’m sick of it. Get the hell out.”

“Don’t ever talk to me like that. Who the hell do you think you are, woman? I’ll take your ass the hell outta here. Just test me.”

“Yeah, whatever nigga. Just get your raggedy ass out. Get out.”

“Alexandra! Girl get up, but be quiet.”

“Desire, it’s 3 in the morning, good night! Oh, what’s that noise?”

“It’s momma and daddy fighting again and he’s slamming her around. Get up; I need your help cause other wise-“

“Okay, get the bat out the closet and lets go.”

Oh my God, I’m scared! They’ve fought before, but never this bad. Jesus be a fence around me…

“Darrell, stop it. Get the hell off me like that. What’s wrong with… uuugh.”

“Alex, let me go. I don’t want to hurt you but if you don’t stop this I will.”

“Shh Desire what’s that sound? It sounds muffled.”

“Oh, uh-uh lets go.”

“Oh, my God he’s gonna kill her!”

“Get off her, you sorry son of a bitch!”

“D watch out, girl he’s got a knife.”

“Oh my God, momma! Momma! Oh, she’s not breathing. Alex!”

“Watch out, Desire. I’ll do CPR; you go stop that nigga from leavin’”

“Were the hell do you think you’re goin’, nigga?”

Oh, I can’t believe I’m fightin’ with my father. We’re really punchin’ each other…oh tha knife … tha bat…

“ Desire look out. Oh Da Da! No, don’t do it girl!”

“D, is he dead?”

“Desire, what was all that noise? How come daddy is on the floor and why are you bleeding?”

“Now Angelica and Lawrence, this is not the time for questions. Go back in your room and me and Da Da will explain everything.”

”Yeah, ya’ll keep goin’; I’m fine, everything’s gonna be okay!”

O.k.? Everything is far from o.k! My momma is dead in her bedroom; my father is on the floor with his head cracked open and me? I’m hiding the knife that is still stuck in my chest from my youngest sibs. No everything is not o.k. God, please don’t let me die. Who will take care of these kids then? Ohh…!

“Desire wake up. It’s me, Alexandra. I got Angie and Rence here with me. They sure are scared, girl. Just open your eyes and look at them. They’ll be fine then. Please wake up!”

“Where… Happened… Mom..?”

”Oh Desire, mommas dead.”

“No… can’t… momma…”

”Yeah he killed her, but D you killed him.”

”Huh? How… what…hap…me?”

”He stabbed you in the chest seven times, then you swung that bat and cracked his scull. The doctor said the anger of losing momma gave you the strength to swing like that. It’s a lot of mess but I’ll explain later when you’re stronger. We’re staying with auntie for now and you’ve had mad visitors. I was so worried that you were gonna die. I thought that- I’m so glad that you’re gonna be o.k. I love you.”

”You… can’t… rid… of me…”

”Stop tryin’ ta talk girl, what’s wrong with ya?”

”Bird… ‘Chell… D.J.?”

”Oh ‘Chell, I told you she loves him. Look at her, can’t hardly breath but asking how he’s doin’.”

”Alex, me, and Bird will watch her, take the little ones home okay? Desire, D.J. was here everyday holdin’ your hand and talkin’ to you.”

”Saw… me… like… this?”

”Yeah girl, you look all messed up! No sir, she looks good, right ‘Chell?”

”Yeah, for someone with a punctured lung. Da Da, I sent D.J. home to get some sleep and something to eat. He’s been here all week.”

“Week? Been here… me…?”

“Yeah, girl you was in a coma. The doctors didn’t expect you to make it. Them heartless bastards had poor Alexandra all afraid that she was gonna lose her momma and her sister all in one week.”

“Momma dead… murder… me..!”

“Now don’t even think like that. You’re gonna be ok. Remember your momma wouldn’t want you to cry, cause she’s with God now. Oh, here comes D.J.”

“Desire? Oh, thank God you’re awake. Bird, go get the doctor please.”

“D.J., I lo-“

“Shh, don’t talk baby. I’m here and I ain’t gonna leave you. I promise.”

It hurts to remember that time of my life. God truly has blessed me. I committed murder. Me, Desire Taylor, an A and B student, poet of the year recipient, big sister of three and family pillar. I killed my father. The police report and autopsy say that he died of a forceful blow to the head. He died instantly. My mother died of a lack of oxygen. This was partially caused by her collapsed lung, which my father caused when he jumped on her to put the pillow over her face. Because he tried to kill me my lawyer played the self-defense card and we won. I was found not guilty of murder. Why am I not guilty? It’s simple. I was more than justified.