Who Am I?

by AqueenPassing

Who am I? Behind the wigs the weaves wraps and scarves who are you? Has your identity been misplaced because of alopecia or other hair loss issues?

Through my struggle and changes of finding my self confidence again I often asked that question inside way down in the pit of my soul stirring and fighting to be free lived the real me, the me that had a valid place in my life the me who shinned with gleam and vigor in days of old. My younger years early twenties and thirties I was bold and proud confident and know one could tell me I did not have it going on. But as the years past the hair got thinner and thinner then it just seem to be gone over night.

If you have experienced this pain and anguish then you understand how difficult it was to find a new mask to hide behind. It was never easy to find the right facade to camouflage the lack of confidence the bitterness because now you were no longer able to pull your hair back into your ponytail or put it in that cute little twist. No longer could you let it blow in the wind and go swimming without a cap get out the shower with it wet and flowing so beautifully. Now comes the shame and secrets, yes secrets from your mate, your friends, family, everyone.

You smile and begin the process of your new acting career with you being the star each and every time. The mask became bigger and better more expensive. They changed colors from brown to red even blonde it was even fun for awhile changing the scene in your world from wavy to straight to curly up down short then long again. It was like you convinced yourself you could be this different woman each time because with each mask came a different role to play depending on who the audience was.

But one day it will come a time in your life when you don’t want to act anymore you don’t want to be the staring role of disguise you just want to be you the you that is really inside. But what do you do? How do you find that acceptable place once again where you are not in fear of someone not liking you for you; are people not understanding that it was something that just happened it was out of your control you had no idea it was coming. How do you walk in that confidence that you can be proud of?

It’s almost like being a baby learning to walk again. It's teaching yourself that you are someone special and beautiful even though this ugly thing happened to you. I say teach yourself because no one but God can help you to love yourself again. I realized that he was the one that made me in his image and that I was beautiful in his sight. It appeared to me that he already knew of this phase in my life since he is the author and finisher of my fate that he must have a divine purpose for the outcome. And before I made the decision to go bald, the process was long uncomfortable and miserable I cried out to God because I was tired of trying to deal with it on my own I realized I could not handle the pain anymore.

When I gave it to him one afternoon sitting at my desk I cried and cried then like magic I stopped I felt a peace and strength that came from nowhere. It was a few days later I was doing some work on the computer and while I was sitting there with my wig on, my stomach was turning inside out, I felt sick and did not know why. Silence came and I heard a still quiet voice my pregnancy was over it was time to birth the baby.

I robotically went to the drawer in my bathroom and took out the clippers and began to shave what was left of my withered worn hair. The clippers went dull a third into the process and I realized that I would need to find a barber. I called a few places but each barber told me they did not do women’s hair. I did not realize at the time but even that was God. He knew men would not understand what was going on in my life right then and that intervention would interfere with what God was doing so he led me to a beauty shop just up the street from where I lived.

With my last ten dollars in which they told me it would be I threw a hat on my head and headed to the shop where I would have normally been embarrassed or nervous about the confrontation I was not, I knew that was God to. I felt ready in my spirit for whatever was going to happen I was sick and tired and when you get to that point in your life your changes will come with the quickness.

The lady that did my hair was so very sweet and kind I looked at her thinning hair and she said to me. “I so admire what you are doing” as you can see my hair is thinning to and pretty soon I will have to make a decision in my life to. You have given me strength to meet that time. She said don’t worry its going to be okay I am just going to take it all done to the bald part.

I looked at the rest of it coming off with each snip of the clippers and as each piece dropped I felt a surge of freedom and strength. I felt like an orange and each peel was taking me to the real juice and courage inside. When she was done she spun me around and said, “when you leave out of this chair hold your head up high.” “Don’t wear anymore hats or wigs,” you are beautiful and forget what people say or do be proud of who you are.

I nodded my head overwhelmed with a new sense of pride and confidence I never thought I would find again it was like I was just born again, I felt free and happy to not have to hide anymore I reached in my wallet to give her the ten dollars she touched my hand and said”this one is on me” as she smiled. I gave her a hug and thanked her as I went out that door with my head high and my expectations even higher I knew that I was free and had found my way home once again and it felt really really good....

Who Am I? by AqueenPassing

© Copyright 2007. All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be duplicated or copied without the expressed written consent of the author.

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