Where do I begin to tell you about my journey of hurt I caused so many people? From the beginning- that'll take too long to catch you up to speed. I'll just give you a little background, then jump straight into the straw that broke the camel's back.

I met Tanya during my junior year of high school, she was a sophomore. She wasn't the best looking of the bunch, but she had the best body. At first my attraction to Tanya was purely physical, but after spending time with her I actually began to fall for her. Boy did I fall hard. She was smart and head strong and her priorities were in order. She wasn't the "have fun" girl like the majority of her friends were. My relationship with Tanya was satisfying but the girls gawking over me had me bigheaded.

Faithful I wasn't, respectable I was. All the girls knew that Tanya was number one, my wifey. That meant that they had to know their place and had to give her the utmost respect. Meaning when they saw Tanya all they were to do was look and smile and if I was with her they better had kept it moving. By the time we graduated high school, she'd already given birth to two of my children.

I proposed to Tanya on her 19th birthday, she reluctantly said yes. I knew her family and friends tried to convince her to say no. They've been at her since we started talking for her to get rid of me, even through the pregnancies and birth of our kids – get rid of that dog was all I would hear. You would think that they would be discreet with their dislike for me; no they made it noticeable in all ways possible.

During the engagement we lived together, coincidently in the same building as her mother which was hell for me. Her mother was always there, gnawing my ears off about how I better take care of and do right by her daughter. I understood where she was coming from, she was her mother but at the same time Tanya was an adult in a relationship with me, the father of her kids. Hell I'm doing right by her, I'm still here aren't I taking care of these kids we made together. I proposed to her even though deep down I thought I was too young and quite handsome to settle down.

The story behind me proposing to Tanya was supposed to be romantic, it wasn't. I didn't ask her to marry me for the right reasons – because she gave me two beautiful kids, or because I loved her. I proposed because I didn't want to lose her. Her mother was putting in her head that if I didn't marry her by then I never would. I thought eventually she'd believe that and leave so I proposed. Living in the building that she grew up in wasn't easy; everyone loved Tanya and disliked me. They all were in my business, if they'd see me outside at the store, and see Tanya later they'd say, "you know your worthless man was outside the store talking to some woman." They would tell her any and everything but that didn't stop me from doing my thing. She never questioned why I came home so late or why I didn't answer my cell phone after certain times. She trusted me and I took advantage of that trust.

I was working as an electrician for Con Edison. The pay was great, my fiancιe and children had the best of everything. I didn't want Tanya to work, she needed to be home with the kids and take care of me. She was pregnant with our third child so the pressure to set a date was on.

We finally got married after a two year engagement. We needed more room because the kids were getting bigger and the baby was walking and wrecking everything. Man I just needed to get her away from her mother. We moved to East Flatbush. The building's outer appearance wasn't all that great but the rent for the two spacious bedroom apartments was reasonable.

Man it was crazy, the women of East Flatbush was from a different breed. They were the whole package – looks, ass and brain. My rendezvous' started getting regular. I would even make up fake business trips just to spend a couple of days with some woman. I knew that while the kids were in school, she'd take the baby and stay by her mother's house all day until it was time for me to get home from work. The excitement of sneaking women in the apartment gave me a rush. One time after I finished with a woman, about fifteen minutes later Tanya walked through the door. I made an excuse of coming home for some midday loving was my reason for being there, that made her blush. Shit I was daring but smooth with it. I would shower Tanya with gifts to make up for the guilt I would sometimes feel. Time went by smoothly without a hitch; still Tanya was nonchalant about my sexual tirades.

After working for Con Edison over four years, because of budget cuts I was laid off. Damn I had a family to support, worse than that I had an image to uphold. I was a man so handouts I didn't need nor want. Tanya was so understanding about my being laid off, without hesitation she went out and found a job. It made me feel like I was less of a man; here I was the sole supporter of my family, now I got my woman out there working to support us. Because of my feeling like a complete failure, all of my frustrations and anger I took out on her.

She decided that she wanted to continue her education, to my dismay she took up some classes. It kind of pissed me off because she wasn't home tending to my every need like she use to and being that she switched to working part-time her checks weren't as much as they used to be. Before all this school shit, the house was always cleaned, the laundry was done. Now it takes up to two weeks for the laundry to get done, I be scrapping sometimes to find something to eat.

I didn't mind her working because that benefited us both, but that school mess only benefited her and that would be years from now. Damn something had to give. Out of anger I refused to pick the children up from school or baby-sit our youngest child. By refusing to help out in any way I assumed she'd quit school, instead she placed the children in an after school program, picked them up after work and dropped them by her mother's house where the three year old was. After school she'd pick them all up and bring them home. That only infuriated me more; I complained and bitched like there was no tomorrow unfortunately that too didn't seem to bother her. It got to the point of me beginning to despise her; in my head she was choosing a job and school over me.

After a while I started my cheating routine back up, by this time I had a steady fling with a young lady. She knew I was married but didn't seem to care. Now it was getting to the point that she wanted me to leave Tanya, she'd call me at the craziest times when she knew Tanya was home. Once she popped up at the house while Tanya was there I passed her off as a cousin. Sometimes Tanya can be so naοve it was pitiful. When that happened I had to end it, I did reluctantly. When I stopped sleeping with Amour I was faithful, I wasn't creeping with no one. I started coming straight home from work before I got laid off and everything. I was spending time with her and the kids and this is the thanks I get – hell no. So what did my stupid ass do? I called Amour.

When I first started sleeping Amour it was supposed to be a one time thing. Her appetite for sex was massive and since I wasn't getting it on a regular basis at home I was oh so happy to satisfy her sexual appetite. Once I spent the entire weekend with Amour. I turned off my phone so that it would go straight to voicemail. I called Tanya and told her that my mother was sick and I was so caught up in caring for her that I didn't have time to call her. I also added that I didn't have a charger to charge my phone, just to make it more convincing. She already knew that my mother's phone was disconnected. She was upset only because she wasn't able to do anything to help my mom. Am I a mack or what? Here I was lying my ass off, but she was the one feeling guilty.

My relationship with Amour was crazy. Amour was out there, she was one of those girls that used her body to get what she wanted, and boy did she know how to use it. She was stunningly beautiful no doubt but wasn't the smartest cookie in the cookie jar. Amour had men doing everything possible to be with her. That really boosted my ego because she chose me to have a somewhat steady relationship with. Everything was cool until she got pregnant. I was pissed; I didn't want any outside children. All my children were to be by one woman, Tanya. I told Amour anything possible for her not to go through with the pregnancy. I told her I didn't want anymore kids that I couldn't afford it. She didn't want the child either but because I was so against her having the baby, out of spite she kept it. This changed our relationship totally, how was I going to keep Tanya from finding out? Amour definitely wasn't going to allow me to ignore her much less the child; she was the type that always wanted her presence to be known. How did I keep her from blowing me up before this I don't know? I tried to convince Amour to move out of state, she refused.

I basically spent Amour's entire pregnancy begging her to move, she wasn't trying to hear it. I went to the hospital to be with her when she was ready to deliver; there was this couple there who was so into Amour's well being and that of my child. I figured they were a part of her family so I really didn't think too much of it. The delivery went without any complications. I fell in love with my son from the time I saw him. Amour was acting strange; she never looked at him nor at me. I walked over after they finished wiping him down - you know to hold my son, the nurses walked right passed me and called a Mr. and Mrs. Gaines to come to the room. I thought it was her mother and father or some other family member. I was getting irritated wondering why the hell they bypassed me the father to call her mother and father. It was shameful that even though we'd been messing around over a year, I didn't know anything about Amour not even her last name. The couple that I saw earlier walked into the room, the doctor congratulated them on the birth of their healthy son. I was flabbergasted, still Amour never looked our way. The bitch put the baby up for adoption. She told them the child's father was dead so no questions was asked about his whereabouts and approval or disproval about the adoption. I was angry and relieved all in the same breath. Angry because I was going to tell Tanya about the baby, relieved because I didn't have to shatter Tanya's world. After that incident I vowed to never cheat again, at least not cheat with Amour.

My friends would always tell me how lucky I was, that they wish that they had a woman like my angel. I knew I was lucky but didn't care – she was my security blanket, I knew she wasn't going anywhere. I was the first and only man she's been with since she was 15. Tanya was perfect. She was working and going to school while I was at home not doing a damn thing. I wouldn't clean nor help out with the kids, still she didn't complain about it. She'd come home tired as hell and still scrape up a quick meal for me and the kids. When I was complaining about the money, she did offer to go to school only on weekends. After thinking about it I told her no, not because I wanted her checks to go back to it's normality but because that meant that she'd be home more and I can't have that. Her being home often was something I no longer wanted, she should have did all of that when I first started complaining. It's too late now; I was back under Amour's sexual spell.

Suddenly things started to change; Tanya started to care about how she looked when she went out. Her sister would pick up the kids and watch them and she'd come home later and later. I started flipping – I would tell her to be home at a certain time and that I didn't want anyone calling the house, she'd just look at me, smile and walk away. I didn't even know that she had a cell phone. It just happened to ring one night, she got up answered it and sat back down as if nothing just happened. I was too excited about the evening I planned to spend with Amour to argue. Unbeknownst to her I used her not telling me about the cell phone as an excuse to get angry and leave the house. She would take the kids by her mother's house on the weekend to sleepover. The entire weekend she'll spend partying with her friends. Friends what damn friends, I never knew she had any. I'd accuse her of cheating, again that damn smile is all she'd give me – she wouldn't confirm nor deny the allegation. It was if I was talking to a brick wall and boy wasn't I liking that shit.

I went to break it off with Amour because I had to concentrate on all the shit that Tanya was pulling. This time the breakup was easy, I told her that I wanted to make my marriage work. Amour argued and cursed as usual but this time it didn't seem sincere. When I first came to her apartment, after turning the key to unlock the door, I pushed it the chain was on. The chain is never on and it took her about ten minutes to come and take it off. While she was standing up there cursing and carrying on it wasn't hard to notice a leather coat that was tossed over the chair. I walked towards the bathroom while Amour continued to rant but when I reached to open the door she ran and tried to stop me. I didn't need to be there anymore, I yelled you can come out; some husky guy emerged from the bathroom. I just stared at the ground and walked out. The entire time I was walking home my concern wasn't that I had just caught my "girlfriend" with another man; I was thinking is this the same shit Tanya is doing. At that point I believed with all my heart that Tanya was cheating on me with my mind set on killing her.

Over some weeks, things didn't get any better with Tanya. I started to miss her; she wasn't concerned about my well-being anymore. She was gone more than she was home. We were walking around the house like total strangers, if I didn't ask her a question, she wouldn't speak. I went into a state of depression. It was like the roles changed – I was cooking and cleaning, trying to get her attention, up at night worrying about her. Now I was telling her about how inconsiderate she was, how she needed to be home more, things she used to tell me. Again all I'd get was that smile, then she'd walk away.

I received a call from Greg who was seeing her new best friend Angi. He told me that he was giving me a heads up – that Tanya went for her routine check up and found out that she had a STD. My head was spinning; my mind was going crazy now she definitely knows about my infidelities. I thought I was in the clear after Amour stupid ass put the baby up for adoption, now this shit. Out of all ways to find out I'm cheating, a fucking STD gets me caught. Maybe I'd flip it on her, tell her she's the one that gave it to me. I thought about it all day – nah I can't tell her that because she wasn't out there like that; I knew that for a fact. I know she never cheated on me even though it was so easy for me to believe with the way she was acting. I'd just man up, admit to my wrong doings – well not all of them, and beg for forgiveness.

That night I cooked a great meal, ran her a bubble bath and everything. The night went well but it seemed as if her mind was somewhere else. She didn't even say thank you. I changed my mind – saying to myself man shit if she ain't saying anything then why the hell bring it up. Days passed again, same routine with her. I was walking on eggshells waiting for the "big" confrontation. I had a story lined up and everything. The weekend came, again the kids went to sleep by her mother's and I was going to visit my mother in New Jersey. This time my mother really was sick, she was hospitalized. I practically begged her to accompany me; she said that she had to study. Most of the weekend I spent trying to reach Tanya at home, there was no answer. She never gave me her cell phone number and I felt that I shouldn't have had to ask for it. I called her mother's house, played it off like I wanted to speak to the kids so that her mother wouldn't know that I had no idea where Tanya was and no way of reaching her. Although we had our problems she never told her family about them. She always said why get them involved if we're going to kiss and make up eventually. I spoke to the kids and told my 8 year old to tell mommy to call me. That was a slick way of knowing if she was there or not because if she was I knew he'd give her the phone. I hung up the phone wondering where the hell she could be. The entire weekend I didn't speak to Tanya, I was kind of upset because she never called to ask if my mother was feeling any better.

I made it home late Sunday night, when I opened the door I had this eerie feeling. The light indicating that I had messages was blinking. Tanya wasn't home, I walked into the bedroom - everything was gone. I ran to the kid's room, nothing – all left in the closet she and I shared was my clothing. I ran to the phone and called every person I could think of, I was hesitant to call her mother but at that point felt I had no other choice. I dialed the number slowly, I wasn't prepared for whatever it was I was about to hear. Her mother answered the phone, from the time she heard my voice saying hello, the screaming and cursing started. Before I could get a word in, she hung up the phone. I sat back and thought for a little bit then the phone rang, it was Tweet her sister. Tweet told me to check my messages.

Hesitantly I walked to the phone and pressed the button to listen to the messages..... .....Terrell, I love you with every part of me. I went against everything and everyone for you even though I knew better. Back in high school I made excuses saying that you were young that's why you did what you did. My mother and everyone warned me about you. I knew you were cheating and I know about Amour, she paid me a visit at work one day. She gave me all the particulars of the three year relationship you two had. She felt that it was her duty to indulge in telling me everything. She told me about the weekend you two spent together, the many nights you slept by her house, the hundreds of time ya'll had sex in our bed, and her child you fathered. How could you do this to me, to us? Wow you sacrificed a ten year relationship for a fling that you turned into a relationship. At first I blamed myself saying maybe it's because I'm inexperienced sexually – then I thought about it hell you weren't that great either. I stood by you through everything, when you were broke, when you were successful even when you went broke again. I sacrificed so much to be with you, I even sacrificed my own happiness, my wellbeing. I ignored your late night phone calls, the numbers I'd find in your pockets, the condoms in your wallet. All the signs were there, but I looked passed them. I looked past all of your cheating because we had a family, we were supposedly in love. Our kids needed a stable family unit. We were never stable, just about every night I went to bed crying. You gave me syphilis, it could have been HIV.

I went to the doctor when they called me with the results I nearly died. For a long time I've been livid with you. You never paid any attention to me; I went through two miscarriages alone. You never knew about them because everything came before me. Now looking back, when you were away the weekend that you claimed your mother was sick, I called you thousands of times – that weekend I had a miscarriage and needed you here with me. The friends that you said was only corrupting me, my mother whom you said didn't want to see me happy and my sister whom you said tried to seduce you were here to comfort me. Where were you? You had your phone off; I could've been calling you to tell you something is wrong with the children. I had so much revulsion and resentment towards you that I took it out on my kids. I needed someone to talk to I was too ashamed about hearing I told you so - so I continued to grieve silently. You didn't even notice how much weight and my hair I lost stressing over you. I couldn't continue to carry this heavy load any longer so I told my mother, sister and Angi, hell anyone who'd listen everything I went through with you. They told me to leave, still I stayed, even after seeing and speaking with Amour I was still with you. This I can't forgive, you didn't love me or your children enough to protect yourself. You never put me first so I'll do it myself. In the top drawer you'll find divorce papers. It's over, I love you but for once I'm going to love myself more. For the record I never cheated on you even after finding everything out. You'll always be my first love, but I know that my true love is out there for me. I won't say I wasted ten years being with you because there were beautiful moments but I did misuse my time loving someone that wasn't worthy of it. Goodbye Terrell.

I dropped to my knees and bawled like a baby. This was the first time I ever really cried. I couldn't believe she really left. For days I tried to speak with Tanya, I went to her job and to her school. She'd just look at me and walk pass, this time there was no smile. Whenever I'd want to see the children I'd have to call her mother in order to get in contact with her. When I get to actually see them – I have to pick them up from her mother's house. I had no direct number for her and I knew her mother wasn't going to give it to me. From what I hear she's doing great. Tanya has her own apartment, a car and she finished school. I still wear my wedding band; I received hers in the mail the next day after listening to the messages. I love her, I want her back but she's not trying to hear me. I'll keep trying. I never realized how much I loved her until I accepted that she wasn't coming back.

I'm immature because I should have handled my business like a man.
I'm selfish because I could have and should have done more.
I'm a cheater because I went outside of my relationship.
I'm a fool because I had everything at home and lost it.
I'm human because we all make mistakes but realize it when it's too late.