by Soyini Liburd

I have something I hide,
Deep down inside
The darkest recesses of my soul.
It's there now and I don't remember
Ever being free
From the torment it inflicts on me.
I sense it's presence,
But I've never seen it's face
'Cause when, in attempt to heal
I call it from it's place
The hurt it makes me feel as it draws near
Is too much
Too hard to bear.
I push it down again
But not before my tears rise,
Not before part of me dies.

It takes me a while to shut out
The memories,
of the feeling
of its nearness.
It's scent, just outside the caves
where my consciousness dwells
I know my own secret,
but I never tell
Not even myself.
I don't allow me
to re-live the pain
that I hid so long ago
Deep inside my soul.

I know until I face it
It controls me.
Unless I defeat it
I cannot be free
from it's whispers of what I should feel
Unloved, unlovable, trash...
I know I truly want to heal,
but my own attempts have all crashed.
'Cause I give all of me,
To somebody
In the hope that they would see
Something good in me and love me
But too much, too soon, too strong...
So few can accept all I have to give
Before long
I'm broken and empty and used
And it seems logical to conclude
That I am not lovable.

What's left for me?
To try again?
To face my pain?
Or maybe just hide
Keep it locked inside me.
I know what you're thinking
"It's not true
Someone, somewhere could love you."
I know it too
... on the surface.
But please tell that to the me inside me
She does not believe
Not yet...

A kiss from a prince in a fantasy,
Might restore me to being happy
Or maybe
I have to work hard
and cry long
and pray
that someday
I'll be strong.
Strong enough to let go of the pain
And see my life as worth living again.

I've been waiting for my prince;
But perhaps the other way,
The harder way
Is the better way.
Only, I'm not sure
how to fix me on my own.
If you can see the way:
Could you maybe help me?
Then should you maybe find me
truly lovely
Would you maybe -
love me -


Secret by Soyini Liburd

© Copyright 1999. All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be duplicated or copied without the expressed written consent of the author.

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