These rainbow moments that are barely there before they are gone

I have looked in your eyes, it must have been a hundred no a thousand times and yet all
I still see are your beautiful brown irises framed by long lashes 

I looked into your face and saw a demeanor characterized by strength of purpose

Yet all I know is indecision

I have searched for your heart in the actions you take and the words you say and yet all
that I see is a friendship borne from studied guile

What am I looking for exactly, what is it I expect to find 

I look for you in my laughter and in my tears you inhabit them both I look for you in
the curve of my arm and the sway of my back for you are there too 

I have struggled to find you in so many different places and yet you were there all
along allowing me to grow and mature into the woman that I am today  
I realize that I was not being prepared for you but by you for someone else and that stings... 

I am not meant for you so you say but something keeps pulling me back to you 
I crave you in the middle of the night I am dependent upon immediate satisfaction 
I want no delays and as I begin my withdrawal 
I am struck by how much of my life has spun at your beck and call 
how much time have I spent looking into your dreams and not mine 
I am realizing that perhaps you made the right call by choosing to end it all