Pig in a Blanket
by Lawrence Christopher
Dedication: Thank you V. Evelyn, for the title.
My girlfriend Antoinette and me are standing outside the movie theatre waiting to see Mr. Denzel "He Got Game" Washington in The Bone Collector. When I heard that in this movie he would play most of his role from a bed, I was like "get the hell out of my way." Seeing Mr. Denzel "Mo' Better Blues" Washington in bed is worth paying the full price of admission. I am so excited about seeing Mr. Denzel "Ricochet" Washington and all; I donít notice homeboy standing off to the side eyeing my girlfriend and me. Antoinette does and she gives me a nudge to look at him. I say to myself about the thug looking guy staring, "take a picture it will last longer."
Now Antoinette on the other hand, with her usual trifling self is being loud to get his attention toward her. Homeboy is cute and everything, but I look good too, okay. So homeboy needs be trying to get my attention. But like I said, he is cute so I reward him for that by bending over to straighten my stockings, giving him a good view of my behind. Oh yeah, the men love my booty and my legs. Thatís what they tell me at least. The smile on homeboyís face tells me he likes what he sees. Homeboy has that roughneck look, with his oversized jeans and matching jacket. Heís wearing a fresh pair of big Timberlands. Um, if his feet are that big, . . . let me stop.
Itís time to go in and see the movie. I give homeboy a sexy smile, just in case we run into one another after the movie. He returns a Cadillac grill smile, showing the gold teeth trim. After the movie.
"No they didnít. No they did not have Mr. Denzel "Malcolm X" Washington hook up with no white chick." I say to Antoinette as we leave the theatre.
"Girl, I donít care. Did you see the way he was blowing on that thing that controlled his bed? He could blow and suck on me all day long, you hear me?" Replies Antoinette.
"Still girl, you know that ainít right. The only black woman around him and taking care of him, even if is Queen Latifah, why she have to get killed and he ends up with a white woman. See thatís just how it is too. We black women take care of these brothers and then when they get on the good foot, they go get them a Susie Cream Cheese."
"Girl you crazy. Oooo, Jackie, look."
Antoinette points in the direction of homeboy who is standing by a new model Lexus. He looks even better than he did before. I decide to give him a chance. I tell Antoinette that Iíll be right back. She complains about being left alone. I tell her sheíll be fine. Unlike me, Antoinette has a hard look about herself. Most men are afraid to approach her. I on the other hand have been told how soft I look. I make my way over to see what homeboy has to offer.
"Hello, my name is Jackie." I introduce myself.
"Whatíssup. I'm Bobby." He informs me.
"Well Bobby, I couldnít help noticing you checking me and my girl out. So have you made up your mind up on which one of us you want?"
"No doubt. I choose you."
"Good choice. So now what?"
"You know, why donít you give me them digits and Iíll call you."
I give Bobby my pager number. I never give out my home or cellular phone number just in case I have to cut it loose with a guy and he donít know how to let go. Bobby didnít waste any time. The next day a new number appears on my pager. I call, and itís him.
"So what chu doing?" Bobby asks.
"Talking to you." I say trying to be cute.
"So you wanna do somethiní?"
"I donít know. Maybe we can hang out at the mall or get somethiní to eat."
Okay, so it isnít the most romantic first date. I wear a tight skirt and a blouse that shows my flat stomach and pierced navel. At the mall, I get a lot of attention from both men and women. Iím used to it, but Bobby had a couple of run ins with some guys who felt it was necessary to tell me that I was the finest thing they had ever seen. Bobby took exception to their compliments, but it ended peacefully. We stop to have pizza.
Bobbyís conversation is pretty lame. Heís one of these "when I grow up" type of brothers. Presently, Bobby is a barber with dreams of owning his own shop, offering fingernail and pedicure services. Nothing wrong with dreams and wishes, but I ainít got time for no up and coming brother. I want one who has got his already. Donít get me wrong; going through a struggle together is okay for some people. I just donít want to have to deal with it. See cause, if brother man decides he wants to cut me loose after I stuck by him through the hard times, I'm going to have to do some cutting of my own, if you know what I mean. But homeboy does have those big feet, and did I mention that he has fat thumbs.
I am half way listening to Bobby, while Iím stuffing my face with my favorite all meat pizza. My ears tune back in when I hear him start paying me a compliment.
"You know girl, you are fine as hell. You probably here that all the time donít chu."
"Yeah, but a few more times donít hurt any."
"I mean, I canít believe you donít already have a man."
"I didnít say that I didnít have a man. I just donít have a special man."
"So what are you looking for in a special man?"
"Oh, is that all?"
"Iím just trying to be real. See Iím a special kind of person. And if the right man comes along, then he will get the benefit of my specialty."
"And what might that be?"
"Wouldnít you like to know?"
"Thatís why I ask."
"Not yet, Mr. Barber man."
Mr. Barber man is a little disappointed with the evening, he admits when he dropped me off. I give him a taste of my sweet full lips to thank him. That isn't enough for him though, as he starts grabbing and groping my behind to get him a good grind on. I tell him to hold his horses before the pony jumps out of his barn door. I can tell he is ready for me to ride the pony, but I ainít like that on no first date. He doesnít know me well enough. One last kiss, which leads to another bump and grind session. Afterwards, I pat Bobby on his tushy and send him home.
It may sound cruel or that Iím a teaser. I am not. I am a pleaser. I know what I want and when I want it and how I want it. That shouldnít make me a tease. And when I get mine, I give it back twice as nice. Besides, anyone worth waiting for is worth having. I keep Bobby waiting through another three weeks of dating.
Once while out clubbing, Bobby gets into it with a guy who doesnít know how to show a woman respect. This guy gets in my face and is reeking of alcohol, asking me if Bobby was treating me good, because if he wasnít, he said, he would. Iím like "whatever!" But Bobby isnít so cool about it and throws a punch at the guy's head that lands square on his jaw. The guy goes straight down. That was something to see.
I am up on Bobby for the rest of the night. Actually, it is mutual, because homeboy loves dancing up on the booty. Oh, and from what I could tell, those sayings about the size of the feet and the thumb equating to the size of ah, you know what . . . oh yeah. I could feel it through his pants and my dress. For a minute, I was kind of scurred with the thought of the size of his pig in my blanket.
It impressed me that Bobby held out for this long, with me not giving in to his advances. Tony, I mean Antoinette is all in my Kool-Aid talking about "I donít know what you waiting on. Just cause he ainít Mr. Dream Maker donít mean he canít give you a good nights sleep." She sure is trifling. Thatís why her hard, ugly looking butt doesnít have anybody, okay.
But she was right and I believe in rewarding people for good behavior and in Bobbyís case, his patience. I call Bobby and tell him to come over and bring some Sangria wine, because tonight is the night. In fact, I put an oldies CD on that has the song by Betty Wright, "tonight is the night, you make me a woman." I also put on a nice silk gown with matching robe that is sexy but not too revealing. I look at myself in the mirror. I am beautiful. Men and women have asked before how I do it. Some even have the nerve to ask is everything mine. It is even if I paid for it.
I admit that I am just a bit nervous. You see, I havenít told Bobby everything about me. But as long as he cares for me the way he says he does, then nothing else should matter. Still, I jump when the doorbell rings and my breast jump with me, but they are jumping for joy.
When I open the door, an overwhelming rush of Joop cologne greets me. I donít mind because it is my favorite. Bobby is looking as fine as ever and his face is shining and his hair is freshly cut. Homeboy doesnít look half bad once he dresses up. He has a couple of bottles of Lambrusco Sangria for us to drink. It isnít until after we make it through one bottle do I start to feel a little relaxed about what is about to take place. Maybe. That is if Bobby doesnít trip.
Bobbyís attention is on my partly exposed breasts. A little bit of cleavage is all it takes to get all of a manís attention. I cover up with my robe, to get Bobbyís undivided on what Iím about to tell him.
"Why are you trippiní girl. I thought you said we was goiní to do this."
"We are. I just need to tell you something first."
"What, you got a man?"
"Not exactly. Sexually, I have what a man has and a woman too."
"It's called being a hermaphrodite."
"You mean, a he/she."
"You have a man's and woman's thang?"
Homeboy sat back on the couch with a stunned look on his face. I reposition myself, cause sometimes they want to get violent at this point. I have taken a few butt whippings and I have given a few too. Tonight would be a close one to call. I become worried when Bobby smiles at me. He rubs his chin and heís looking at my breasts and tries to check my throat. After the quick eyeball exam, he speaks.
"How do you like it?"
"Like it . . . I love it. I have the best of both worlds. I can be what ever you want me to be. But it's not like I have a choice. This is who I am. I never meant to lead you on. You sort of caught me off guard and grew on me."
"What chu mean?"
"I like you. Youíve been patient. You stood up for me. You have been a lot of things that I wasnít looking for. At the same time, this is what I like in a man. And here I tell you my special secret and you arenít trying to fight me or something."
"Well, Iím still trippiní about that. Damn you look good."
"Thank you. See this is what Iím saying. You still are giving me compliments." I begin to cry.
"Whatís all that about?"
"Check this out. I was hooked on you the first time I saw you outside that movie theatre. Then every time we would go out, I felt real good that people was digginí on you. I ainít never fought over no bit-, I mean woman before. But it felt good droppiní that dude at the club."
"Yeah, that impressed me."
There is a quiet moment that multiplied times ten. Iím reflecting on how this all played out. Hell, homeboy fooled me. Now Iím wondering really why he didnít trip and go off on me. Bobby gets the other bottle of wine from the kitchen. He fills both our glasses and Iím wondering whatís next. Then the unexpected came.
"If you got both, how did you decide which one to be? I mean you could be out there trying to pick up women."
"First of all, I'm not trying to pick up anyone. Whoever comes my way and we get along, then that's what happens. I made the decision to be more female than male at the age of ten. Up until then, my parent's were dressing me as a boy."
"One day at school, I was playing dodge ball in gym and I got hit in the groan by a hard kicked ball. I collapsed, doubled over in pain. The gym teacher took me to the nurseís office because I was spitting up. The school had a male nurse named John. No one in school knew about my secret."
"When Nurse John began to examine me, I resisted but I was really in pain. So I let him see. I was embarrassed and scared what he might think. I could tell he was surprised at first, but he didn't make me feel like a . . . and I don't like this word, freak. He looked me in the face, put his hand gently between my legs, and asked me if it hurt.
"I didnít know any better than to do what he said and believed what he said. He continued examining me and he was real gentle. He got some ointment and began rubbing it on my male organ until he got the reaction he wanted.
"It was the first time I experienced an orgasm. He told me to come back the next day for a follow-up exam. The next day turned in to almost everyday after school. Iím embarrassed telling you this."
"I have told this story to only two other people in my whole life."
"Iím not you know, goiní to judge you or nothing."
"Will you stop being so sweet and understanding."
"Iím just kidding. Anyway, back to the story. As you might imagine, after a while it was my turn to return the favor to make Nurse John feel good. Thatís when I knew about myself. Seeing the pleasure I brought that man told me that this is what I was meant to do. Nurse John taught me all the ways to please a man. He taught me how to use and most of all, not to be ashamed of my pig in a blanket."