Dragging this weight on my shoulders,
I cover my face and block my tears
because to you they are signs of weakness
and traces of my inferiority.
It was two long years in this wilderness called love,
I wrapped my heart in silk hands
and humming birds and soft kisses and loving eyes.
I would die for you.
I mean kill for you,
and we all know youíve never known love
until youíve contemplated taking another life
and trying to rationalize it in the twisted roads of your mind.
I thought you wanted to know me.
I mean really know me.
Know how it is that I can plaster words to paper
and paint soft sexy soliloquies.
How Iíve become so rough and rugged on the inside.
How my breathing gets heavy when I focus
on putting pen to paper and not just mind blowing sex.
The biology of my life is dirty and blank
and covered with hard crystal
thatís beautiful like emeralds, diamonds, rubies.
But we all know you have to go through hell to be pure gold
and like gold I am a queen that was born of your hell.
But the aftermath of you is like the eye of a hurricane,
silent and shallow but dangerous.
Yes I am a woman scorned
and yes I feel stupid because I love you still.
Despite the fact you fucked her raw
and lied to me in beds of satin covered sheets
and yes I cry in the serenity of my corner
where no one can touch me but me
and I rationalize the glitches within my heart
and permanent niches within my brain
that are left there because of memories of you
and just know I sucked your dick
because I enjoyed it the same way
I enjoyed warming to your erection
and seeing pretty pink tongue flicks surround my nipples.
But know with my diamond colored eyes,
dimples, chocolate complexion,
and white teeth I rationalize no more.
I make no apologies for the woman I am
or the grudges I held against you
or myself because I have learned
what you see is what you get
and in a bed of roses there are many thorns.
So now I pick my king carefully with watchful eyes,
listening ears, tasting lips, swaying hips
and a mental roll-a-dex that flips like the channels of your TV.
I have realized because of you I am copasetic
and for that I say thank you to my own personal hell.