If I hear any of these questions one more time I’m going to go slap happy. Why aren’t you married yet? Don’t you want more kids? You know you aren’t getting any younger. Something must be wrong with you. What are you waiting for? Geez, can’t you all just leave me and my eggs and the blank beneficiary line on my 401K alone! You know what; I’m not waiting on a damn thing. I’m just waiting. If you haven’t figured out your relationship role it would behoove you to wait also.

Listen; maybe I don’t know a whole lot about politics, Hollywood gossip, fashion, music or the latest technical gadgets but what I do know quite a bit about is a bad relationship. Every miserable, wonderful, exciting, and excruciating interaction with the opposite sex has made me certified in Badrelationshipology. Really, I have an honorary degree. That’s why I know that you have to pump your breaks, slow your roll and play your role. Trust me, it was in the syllabus.

Upon pondering my latest catastrophe called “this relationship ain’t worth two dead flies”, I was having a discussion with a good friend and he said that when a real man wants to pursue a woman he will react like a cheetah to the gazelle. Ok, my first thought was that I’m not going to lie down in the dirt, be drug across a field or bit in my throat. Nope, no way! Dang, why I gotta get ate up because I’m a woman. When he explained that I was letting my past affect my future by not allowing myself to even think about being submissive to a man I hushed because he had a point about that past-future thing. But you know that submissive crap was still in the back of my mind and I had a few good curse words “sitting on ready” just in case he tried to quote some scripture.

So here’s the deal. The man is the cheetah and the woman is the gazelle right? Now, if you can’t decide if you want to be the cheetah or the gazelle please don’t read past this sentence because nothing I say will help you so God bless. It’s this simple; the cheetah’s mission is to get the gazelle just like a man’s mission is to pursue the woman. You have to know the roles. Men, if you understand that you are the cheetah or the hunter then keep reading. Look at you; I’m so glad you’re reading! Women, if you know that you’re the prey then continue. You cannot get the roles mixed up.

Ladies, you can’t chase the man just like the gazelle does not hunt the cheetah! That would be a National Geographic special all month long if it were true. A gazelle doesn’t walk in front of a cheetah with all her fineness and goes unnoticed. The cheetah will stalk his prey then pounce. The gazelle, with her fine self, can decide to submit or run but more than likely she will get caught. If the cheetah doesn’t smell your scent or track you from the corner of his eye then he’s not interested. He won’t chase you because he’s full and has meat in his habitat. You know, that one you’re never invited to. You feel what I’m saying? If a man isn’t pursuing you then he doesn’t need you because he has something at home already. Don’t wait on standby hoping he wants dessert. Move on to someone who needs meat.

Men, you aren’t going to get off easy either. Even though you’re the cheetah and you exhibit many qualities of a good man you still need to know how to hunt. A gazelle is quick so you need to pursue with fervor and persistence to keep up with the best ones. She’s also beautiful so don’t let her features get you sidetracked or her horns will stick you in the ass. And just because a gazelle is an easy catch doesn’t mean she’s worth an arrow from your bow. Please, please, please pay attention to what you are hunting. Some of you love to chase the gazelle with the mange!

Once you learn your cheetah/gazelle roles and you check the other person on his role then the happy ending is possible. Soon you’ll have the house, the joint account and a minivan for all the little cheezelles you want. Until then, just wait.