If I saw you tomorrow I wonder what I would say.
Better yet, I wonder what I would see.
Could I look you in the eye?
Pain and shame would most surely keep
the words caught deep within my throat.
And even if I could speak, I don't know that I would
Nothing would seem quite right.
And how possibly could I justify myself?
But I must summon all the courage that I can because fear is
how I got here before.
I envision you small and fragile; dependent on me to survive.
But I was too weak to allow you to grow strong.
The "what if's" presented consequences that I did not want to face.
I was a coward; thinking only of myself.
Now the memory haunts me as I wonder about who you might have been.
Would your eyes have been like mine?
And your smile; would the dimples show?
Would you bat right and throw left;
or be a bookworm and keep to yourself?
What would we talk about?
How many fights would we have or tears would we share?
How proud of you would I be?
Would you have been proud of me?
Well now you certainly could not be.
I am not even proud of me.
How can I be when you are not here?
I should have stood up for you but I did not.
I lied to myself until I believed that I was better off without you;
and you without me.
But a lie is exactly what it was and the shame that
I feel from my own self deception is immeasurable.
If I saw you today to my knees I would drop and through misty eyes
I would beg your forgiveness.
I should have loved you; loved you enough to keep you.
You loved me without knowing me; because you needed me.
Ignorance clouded me to the fact that I needed you too.
Needed you to fill the space in me that only you could fill.
A part of me is missing.
Can you see the hole within my soul?
It is you, it always has been and always will be.
I can never replace you, nor will I ever try.
Forgive me please, I am sorry and my life is not complete;
and though I am not worthy to say this, I will say to you that
I miss you and will always love you.