Everything Happens For A Reason
by Jhori Barksdale
Trinity didnít know how she was going to explain this to Ryan. The only thing she was certain of was that he was not going to take it very well. No where in their future plans did they talk of having a baby. Of any time, this would be the worst; especially with what they had just gone through only three months previous. Now on the slow moving track of recovering from relationship infidelity, what they did not need was someone else to be concerned with. The clincher was that she didnít believe that Ryan trusted that the brief fling she had was completely over. He didnít understand that as unfortunate and deceitful as it was, her one night affair with her ex was in fact the closure that she needed to move on with their relationship. When theyíd met, she was still nursing old wounds and yet busy denying that she really had some unfinished business that she needed to deal with before she could fully commit herself to him. Now that she had closure, she was able to give Ryan all that he deserved.
Yet, on the otherside of her piteous brain she asked herself, how could she have gotten caught out there like that? She and Gerard had been divorced for three years and even now she couldnít understand what made her go back for that fleeting moment. Yes she did. She needed to be able to finally say that it was over. She knew they would never get back together, but the way that things had ended the first time just left a big gaping hole instead of the finality she now felt. Yes, she needed to see him one last time to look him in his face and have him look into hers and say that it was all said and done. Too bad that it was now costing her more pain than what she was feeling before. Now she had to deal with the hurt and distrust that now hung between her and Ryan. She loved him more than she ever thought she could love a man. Far more than she ever loved Gerard. Ryan had her mind, body and soul. But what good was it if they now had that wall between them. Yes, they had cursed it out. Yelled it out. Talked it out. At least so it seemed. Yet in still, she knew that things were so different from before. There wasnít the easy laugh and smile they once shared. No loving embraces and sudden passionate kisses. No longer did she wake to find him laying on the pillow next to her simply studying her sleeping form. The light that use to shine in his eyes was now somewhere lost in his mistrust of her. Now, everything seemed so structured. So planned. So false. And try as they might, they knew that if things did not change. If they did not some how reach some sort of compromise, the inevitable would come. Theyíd have to go their separate ways.
Sitting on the sofa sipping on a cup of tea, Trinity didnít hear the front door open. When Ryan appeared in the doorway, she merely looked up and nodded in acknowledgement. "Hi." He said.
"Hi." She replied and then took another sip of tea to wet her now dry throat.
"I called the office but they said that you had left for the day." He studied her with his arms crossed over his chest, stretching the cotton fabric of his heavily starched button down. "Everything ok?" The question put out there and then hanging in the air.
"Yes, everything is fine. I just wasnít feeling well."
"Oh. Is there something I can do? You need me to get you anything?"
Tell him. Tell him. She kept urging herself but could not find the words that sat on the tip of her tongue like a 16-year-old on a diving board. Tell him youíre pregnant and regardless of what he thinks, you know itís his child.
"No. I came home and took some aspirin. Itís probably a small bug or something."
"You sure?" She could see concern registering in his face which tickled at her heart. He still loved her. He still cares.
"Yeah." She allowed a slight smile to play at the corner of her mouth.
"Ok. Well I got some reports to go over but if you need me just holler." He said.
"Thanks. I will." She placed the cup of tea back on the table and snuggled back down into the blanket.
He stood there for a few more seconds and then turned to go down the hall. She heard the door to the office shut and slowly the butterflies in her stomach begin to retreat.
Stupid fool. Why didnít you just tell him? You know why. Afraid of his rejection. Of him saying itís not his.
Gradually the room began to darken and as the shadows from the trees commenced to dancing on the walls, Trinity drifted off to sleep.
When she awakened hours later, she was mystified to find herself undressed and laying in the bed. Ryan beside her with his elbow bent, resting on the mattress and his head lying on the palm of his hand. He was staring at her. "How do you feel?"
"Better." She tried to scoot up but was caught with a mild case of dizziness.
"Take it easy. You know you canít make sudden moves anymore." He said, not taking his eyes off her face.
"Huh." She looked over at him.
"When were you going to tell me?" He asked matter of factly.
"Tell you what?" Her heart began to dip down in her chest.
"You know what?" He continued to stare at her without expression.
"How did you find out?"
"I found the paper in your purse."
"Oh." Was all she could say. Then she became angry. "Why were you snooping in my purse? What were you searching for?" She popped up and then slammed back against the pillow when stars began to dance before her eyes. God, how long am I going to have to deal with this? I canít take this for another three or four months.
"I wasnít snooping." Ryan maintains an even tone. "Your pager kept going off and I went to get it to bring it to you and the paper from the doctor was on top of it. You didnít tell me that you went to the doctor. Only that you came home because you werenít feeling well."
"So, when were you going to tell me?"
"I donít know. When the time was right I guess."
"And when may I ask do you think that would have been?"
"I donít know." She says.
"What do you know Trinity?" Ryan finally sat up, but never taking his eyes off my face.
"I was afraid Ryan."
"Of what? Of my reaction? Of what Iíd say?"
"Well what did you phantom my reaction as being Trinity?"
Again coming up short of words, she says. "I donít know."
Throwing his legs over the side of the bed, he rises and goes around to sit on her side.
"Listen Trinity. Despite all that weíve been through over the past few months, I love you." He places his hand under her chin and lifts her face to where they are staring eye to eye. "You hurt me baby. You hurt me like I never thought anyone could. You risked all the plans I had for us over some bullshit that now I hope you see really was not worth it. But baby, the love I have for you is stronger than you are giving credit to. I trust you baby. Now you gotta trust me."
"But Ryan. Weíve been through so much lately. It hurt me when I realized how much I hurt you. It tore me up inside but of course I could not tell you that because it would have been selfish to reveal my pain when I was the one who had caused it for both of us. I just could not face you telling me that this baby was not yours. Of you leaving me because you believed I was pregnant with another manís child."
"Trinity." He gathers her inside his arms, giving her the strength and comfort she hasnít felt in so long. "Sweetheart, a man knows." He whispers into her hair. "Baby a man knows when heís planted his seed. He knows exactly when and where. No matter how much we try to deny it, we know." He holds her away from him and slowly wipes the tears from her eyes. "I probably knew even before you." He laughs with a richness she had not heard in a long time. Then he pulls her back inside his arms and begins to rock her back and forth like a little baby. "So Iím going to be a daddy, huh?"
"Yeah, youíre going to be a daddy." She says, allowing the comfort and sureness of their love to swallow her up right there in his arms.
"I love you Trinity." He whispers in her hair.
"I love you." She replies.
Silently she sends a few prayers up and thanks the man above for loving her as well. Everything happens for a reason. Good or bad. Thank God, a man knows.