The Secret Society

by JDaniels

“Black women think he’s Prince Charming: well-paid, well-educated, nicely dressed, active in church and devoted to family. Yet, there’s something the women don’t know and maybe never will: He’s secretly having sex with men. What’s more, he might bring home an unwelcome guest - HIV, the AIDS virus. This life “on the down low,” and many black men are living it. I call it the secret society…”

Steve Sternberg, USA TODAY


"Are you gonna call me?"

"Didn't I tell you I was?"

"Yea but you tell me a lot of things that you never do Shamar," Mia said with a sigh.

Shamar looked at her. He knew from her facial expression what was coming. Being that they had dated for almost a year now, it wasn't very much about her that surprised him. Mia was a short, cute sista, light brown skinned and totally together, which was always one of the chief things that had attracted Shamar to her. He never did care much for them weak girls. But the same thing that had attracted him to her was also one of the main problems between them. She sometimes used her aggressiveness to try to control him. Right now she was using another tactic he didn't stomach much, that is reminding him all the time of what he NEVER does. You never call me, you never take me anywhere nice, you never hold me and kiss me like you use to. Never, never, never. A little word used in a BIG way of expression.

Watching her petulant frown took his mind back to when they had first met. He had felt an instant attraction, an attraction that he still felt, minus the times when she was getting what his mama affectionately called, a 'tude'.

"Listen Baby, I'm only gonna be gone for a few days, I'll call you every day ok? It's not like everyday I get a chance like this," he said.

"Do you really want to play ball for UNCG? You know that if you go that far south I won't ever see you."

She had a point in a way. Both of them were from York, PA, and even though both of them had known that chances were Shamar would be scouted to another state, North Carolina was pushing it. They had kind of hoped it would be Temple U, but Shamar wasn't sure he really wanted to stay in Pennsylvania. Other big named schools, Cal Tech, UCLA, University of Texas to name a few, had bid for him, but right now he was leaning more toward UNCG for reasons of his own.

He heard Mia sigh. She looked into his eyes, reached out and caressed his cheek, "I love you Shamar…"

"Passengers for flight 457 now loading at gate 13."

"That's me babe," Shamar said. "I love you too, and I'll call you as soon as I get to my hotel in Greensboro ok?"

"Ok," Mia sniffed with watery eyes. They hugged goodbye one last time, with Shamar finally parting to board his flight.

After his plane was in the air and he was all settled in, Shamar pulled his cell phone from its hip lock. His heart beat rapidly as he dialed a familiar number. After 3 rings he heard a deep masculine voice. "Hello?"

"It's me…" Shamar said in a low voice.

"Where are you Babyboi?"

"I'm in the air, and on my way to you," Shamar whispered sensuously.

"I miss you so much, I can't wait to see you Shamar…"

"Yeah, me too man." The lady sitting in the sit next to him looked over at him suspiciously, causing him to say quickly, "Listen I gotta go Dawg, I'll see you in about 40 minutes aiight? Holla!" He hung up, clearing his throat subconsciously. He wasn't sure if the lady had heard, or knew that he was talking to another dude, but her knowing glance gave him reason for pause.

Rick was one thing about him that Mia didn't know about. He had been talking to Rick via the internet and telephone for about 4 months. They connected, got along great, and Rick had eventually met him in Petersburg, Virginia a month ago when he was visiting and talking to the coach at Virginia State University. Rick was one of the few, the very few people who knew about Shamar's other side, his secret attraction for men. No, he wasn't gay, gay was a strong word, and definitely didn't describe Shamar. In fact he couldn't stand faggity acting niccas, who tended to forget they were suppose to be men. His bisexual attraction didn't start with Rick; it had started in high school with another brotha who had introduced him to the pleasures of brotha brotha loving. It had only happen once, then Shamar had put it behind him, disgusted with himself for indulging in the greatest taboo, which homosexuality in the black community had always been.

About an hour later his taxi pulled up at his hotel, The Ramada Inn. He checked in and got himself unpacked and settled. He had called Rick once his plane had landed, and was expecting him momentarily, having left instructions at the desk that a Rick Greer was to receive the spare key once he showed up. The hot water was stimulating and teasing, his mind was running overtime thinking about seeing Rick again, so much so that he almost forgot how guilty he should be feeling at lying to Mia. He cared about her, he really did. To him his feelings for guys and his feelings for her were two different pages, two different parts of who he was, and the two didn't have to conflict, right? As his mind puzzled over his thoughts the white shower curtain came open revealing the muscular nakedness of Rick. Neither of them spoke as he stepped into the shower behind Shamar, pulling him back against his own penile hardness, reaching down to grasp Shamar's. The two don't have to conflict, Shamar thought again to himself anxiously as a warm tongue licked seductively down his back.


"Girl I can't stand it, I mean I want the best for Shamar you know that, but this traveling is starting to take a toll on our relationship." Mia sucked hard on her milkshake straw, a strawberry was caught in the hole, in which one hard slurp dislodged it, causing the berry to shoot up into her mouth like a ball out of a canon. She coughed.

"Chile you're gonna kill yourself worrying about that boy," Angel who was Mia's best friend laughed. She pumped Mia hard on the back, trying to tame her coughing fit. "Ok are you alright now?" she asked.

"Whoa! Yeah I'm ok. This milkshake is so thick, but um...tasty, reminds me of my boopie as a matter of fact." Mia laughed out loud in a giggly fashion.

"Ugg! I don' told you once I'm sick to death of hearing about that boy," Angel laughed. "Anyhow, he did wait a solid year before deciding on colleges, all so he could spend more time with you right? Give the poor chile a break."

"Who said I was riding him? I just said I miss him that's all, I can't help it if he don' spoiled me with his fine self." Mia blew out a loud huff of air. Angel looked at her, shaking her head and smirking as if she didn't know what Mia's huffs and sighs were all about.

"Ok how long is he s'pose to be in NC?"

"Too long," Mia exaggerated, "but in reality, 4 more days."

"Have you talked to him? He's called right?"

"Well yes," Mia admitted, "and he said he loved me and missed me too, but really talking to him only made me want to be with him even more. And now I'm resenting his playing basketball and I know I shouldn't, I know it's his skills on the court that is going to get him into a good college but still…" she sighed, "I just miss him, or maybe I'm getting ready to start my period, I don't know."

"Soooooo… why don't you surprise him?" Mia looked over to see Angel's grinning face, smiling as if she had come up with the master plan.

"You mean go to Greensboro? Gurl I can't be following no man around like some loose love-sick puppy, puhleaseeeee!"

Nodding her head Angel exclaimed, "See that's what's wrong with people today, no romance, no adventure, everything is about how something makes you look. Forget how it makes you look chile, I mean look at you now, choking on strawberries, moaning and whining I MISS MY BOOPIE!!" Both girls laughed.

"And besides, you ARE a love sick puppy, and ain't a thing wrong with that girl."

Mia was quiet, letting the idea rumble a bit inside her head. She was off for the next two days, and she had enough sick time built up that she could maybe swing an extra day too without causing her boss to quiver too much. She hadn't gotten a chance to go to any of the schools that Shamar had been talking to and he had mentioned once that they needed to take a vacation together. Where this wouldn't necessarily be her idea vacation it would be some time with her man. She was becoming more and more convinced that Angel's idea was a good one.

"Well?" Angel inquired, raising her eyebrows mockingly.

"Ok I'll do it, maybe I can get my mom to let me use her credit card to charge my flight though because I'm running a bit short with cash."

Angel pulled out her wallet, sliding her black and gold Visa. "Tada!" Ain't I da bomb best friend? Go ahead, say it, just say it!" Mia laughed, taking the Visa extended to her, "Yes, you are da bomb gurl."


Rick laid relaxing on the soft hotel bed, smoking a Newport Light. He was thinking back to the hot sexin' he and Shamar had got up with two hours before. He got a warm feeling inside of himself whenever he thought about that brotha, the only problem he had with Shamar is the bisexual thing. He knew the game, he had known from the jump that Shamar had a girl; his bittersweet honesty had been one thing he had liked about him. Although he himself was not openly gay, he wasn't as much on the DL as Shamar was either. He didn't date women, he wasn't attracted to women, and he sure nuff wasn't trying to hide who he was from one the way Shamar was. But no, he had no reason to complain; he had known what he was getting into when he first started this internet/phone then long distance relationship. Shamar was just like a lot of brothas, meaning that he didn't see himself as gay, or even so much as bisexual. Shemar simply would describe himself as 'down', a lot of brothas were, Rick had dealt with that issue more times than he cared to think about. Guys who would creep out on their ladies once or twice a week to get their freak on with men. All of them a part of the ever growing elite of secret society black men.

The door opened abruptly, waking him from his thoughts. It was Shamar, back from his meeting with one of the sports scouts of UNCG.

"Hey Baby," Rick smiled, jumping up to give him a tight hug.

"Sup Man," Shamar said shyly. Rick laughed a bit inside. He knew that Shamar still had a problem with endearments spoken between guys. It was funny, for with all the kissing and touching and sucking and loving they had been up to the last day or so, that he, Shamar would still trip on petty things, was hilarious, as if saying 'sup Man, made him somewhat more masculine, than hey Baby.

"You're a perfect way to end the day."

Rick's eyebrows rose. "So what does that mean, you and I are in for the day?"

Shamar laughed, "No, I mean that with all the hectivity and noise I've had to deal with today, you're my comfort zone brotha."

"Hectivity. Check you out making up new words," Rick grinned. Slapping Shamar on the ass he said, "Let's go get dinner aiight?"

"Word, I could use some, I'm starving," Shamar agreed.

They locked up their hotel room. Rick pulled out his car keys and they headed down the wide steps for the parking lot. Rick slipped his strong arms around Shamar's waist, as they got to the car, not caring that they were out in public. He had developed some strong feelings for this guy throughout the time period that they had known each other, both online and off. Although hesitating at first, warmth and passion got the better of Shamar and he returned Rick's embrace, opening his mouth as Rick stroked his tongue inside with his own. Neither of them saw or heard the cab pulling up three cars over from them.


"Just pull up here, I can go in from here I think," Mia instructed the cabdriver. She felt bubbly, hardly able to contain herself that she was gonna see her Boo. Just as the driver pulled up and stopped the car, she slipped out the back. Looking to the left of her, she noticed two guys standing at a navy Jeep, two guys that were…KISSING!

"Oh my God…" she whispered to herself, smiling as she thought about what Shamar would say if he saw it. Suddenly a familiarity hit her, a familiarity that was almost gagging as she realized that one of the guys kissing looked liked, no…WAS for a fact Shamar!

The cab's engine was still running, but she didn't care, she walked quickly over to the guys. "Shamar!!!!"

Shamar looked over to the voice calling his name, his face was one of someone who was seeing a ghost, or at least someone who wished they were. He jerked away from Rick as if burnt. "Mia! What, what are you doing here?"

Mia couldn't believe what she was seeing; she looked from Shamar to the other dude in rapid speed, closing her eyes and then opening them again as if doing so would make the vision not be true. Her boopie was not gay, he wasn't! He couldn't be! But then here he was, kissing another man, a man! The reality of it hit her like an earthquake, she shook her head at Shamar, who had pushed the guy whom he had been kissing away and was walking toward her, his arms outstretched. Mia backed toward the cab, very grateful to see him still waiting.

"Baby please, listen to me, it's not what you think, I swear it's not," Shamar pleaded. "Let me explain."

Mia was speechless still. Getting into the cab she tearfully asked the cabby to take her back to the GSO airport, grateful that she had a round trip ticket away from this homosexual nightmare.


Never in all his dreams had Shamar ever feared Mia showing up as she did. He couldn't have been more shocked and surprised, but could only imagine her shock, or how he and Rick had to look to her. Was she gonna tell everybody he was gay? Thoughts of this sort just would not leave his mind. He knew he should have been thinking more about how hurt she must be, but pushing his way through the crowded GSO airport he didn't have much control over his thoughts. Rick was pissed at him, at how he demanded to be taken to the airport, and how he basically had left him hanging. But Shamar couldn't help it, this was his life here, maybe Rick was comforted with the whole homo thing but he wasn't. He spotted Mia.

"Mia!" he walked quickly toward her, her face was a mess, red and wet, tears streaming down in waves. She put up her hand as she saw him coming toward her, as if to warn him to go away. "Please, we have to talk."

"Talk? Talk? WHAT IS THERE TO TALK ABOUT!" she screamed. "Oh my God…why didn't you tell me Shamar? Why did you let me find out like this? Why…just tell me please why?" her voice went from loud to low as if in intense pain.

"I'm sorry, I swear I won't ever do this again," Shamar promised.

"Do what again? Do what? Just what have you been doing? Are you having sex with that guy? Are you gay Shamar?!"

"No, I'm not, of course I'm no...not…I mean not," he stammered. He recoiled back as Mia soundly slapped him across his face.

"How dare you…how dare you risk my life, how dare you lie to me!"

"I'm sorry," Shamar said quietly. "I really don't know what else I can say. I never meant to hurt you, and I wasn't risking your life, I don't even know what you mean by that."

Mia looked at him incredulously. "You weren't risking my life? Duh Shamar, have you ever heard of AIDS? Did you even use a condom when you were with that dude? Coz we sure as hell never did!"

His silence said it all. As he stood with words congealed in his mouth, Shamar knew he had done Mia wrong in more ways then he had ever realized, but he wasn't gay, he wasn't sure what he was, he refused to categorize himself as a gay man.

Mia's tears were almost at a standstill as she watched the face of the guy she had loved so much, but really never knew it all. She had heard tales of brothas like him who didn't look or act gay, who had wives and children, or as in her and Shamar's case a girlfriend, a female around to help shield the fact that they were seeing men on the side. She and Shamar even attended church together; she had always known that they would someday get married and have a family and that he would be the perfect husband and father. Now she knew, that would never happen.

She exhaled deeply before looking Shamar in the eyes, not even blinking as she said, "I never want to see you again Shamar. I don't understand who you are, I can only hope one day you will understand yourself, and never fool another woman like this again." At her parting words she walked away, leaving him standing alone, with no one to explain his actions to but God, and himself.

The Secret Society by JDaniels

© Copyright 2001. All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be duplicated or copied without the expressed written consent of the author.

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