Dear God,

As I reflect upon my life,
I realize that pain has often been
my deepest, most intellectual teacher.
Pain has taught me that it's not about me,
my enemies or even my lovers.
It's about you.
For you are my peace.
You are my sweet dream.
And you are definitely my keeper.
When my heart was bound, when I was suffocating
and when my muscles were tense, I cried.
And you didn't have to hear me.
I often take you for granted, like so many others,
and I forget that you don't owe me anything.
You don't have to love me. You don't have to care.
You owe me no loyalty. You don't even have to be there.
Yet you are. You have not allowed my pain to be my end.
"And why was I one of the lucky ones?", many often ask.
"Why was I spared from becoming entrapped in the life?"
Because of pain.
Every time I told myself,
"Submit to drugs, lose yourself in the moment,
forget what your Mama taught you and just be free..."
Every time I tell you,
Every time I even thought about doing it: I FELT THE PAIN...
Of losing...
Of being abandoned...
Of misleading others.

And it scared the hell out of me.

This life isn't about me. Or earning money.
Or turning tricks. Or selling love (lust.)

It's about honesty.

So many out there are hurting.
They've never experienced 'Your Pain'.
For pain in the flesh
will nick at you a little bit.
But pain of the Spirit will consume you.
It will not give you peace.
It will not allow you to do things your very own way.
God's Spirit will not be ignored.

As I tossed and turned in the night,
haunted by images of despair...
the drugs no longer helped me.
Sex could no longer soothe me.
Friends couldn't console me.
My lovers couldn't even hold me.

Pain called my name.
Pain told me to "Change."