The Simple Life of Blue Mackey: Issue #1
by James Dodd, Jr.
I had not seen Blue Mackey in several weeks when he approached and drew a vacant barstool next to mine.
"How come they can't find Ohsama in all this time but can track my black ass down quickfast?" he said as a greeting.
"What? Who has found you?" I asked.
"Man, them same people that's looking for Ohsama. Who else, The Government."
"I didn't realize you had issue with them."
"Issue? Lisa-with-a-hat-that got them runnin round after my God damn money," he said, eyeing my nearly filled beer. "Spot me a Bud playboy, I got to tell you about it."
"Uhm, speaking of money, mine is a little tight at the moment."
"One beer ain't gonna make break ya. Come on now, I need to tell this and get me some advice. Glad you the one I done run up on first."
When the ordered beer arrived Blue swallowed half of its content in a single hurried gulp.
"See me and Lisa-with-a-hat been having all kinds drama."
"Who is Lisa with a hat?" I asked.
"You'd know her trick ass if you seen her."
"May I ask why she wears a hat?"
"She don't always wear one. But I know me so many Lisas I got to call them something different to keep them straight in my head. There's Lisa-with-a-Hat, Buck-Tooth Lisa, Lisa up over Capitol Hill, Four-Eyed Lisa, Mother-Lisa that got them 6 kids, Leesa-Uno and Leesa-Dos them Cuban twins, Wheelchair Lisa. There's more that I ain't even got no words on yet."
"Anyway, me and Lisa-with-a-hat used to get our freak off a while back. Nothing serious, booty callin here and there til she found out I wasn't working and didn't have no money to buy her nothing and, skippy, she was out. Then like two months later I seen Troy, you know, Troy from Seat Pleasant?"
"No, I can't say I do."
"Well he was over by the Shrimp Boat and he told me Lisa-with-a-hat done went and got herself pregnant. And guess who she running round sayin the Daddy?" Blue put his head in hands. "That's right! But I didn't pay that shit no mind. I used me a Trojan at least them first times. I told Troy that hoe was crazy if she thinking I got her freaky ass pregnant and went on about my business. But here come the twister," he tilted the bottle to the ceiling as the foam disappeared down the neck of the bottle.
"A couple weeks ago here come Lisa-with-a-hat bangin on my door holding a tiny little kid up in her arms. She say, 'Blue, you this baby daddy and you know it. Now be a man and take responsibilities.' Been so long I barely remembered who the hell she was til she turned around and I seen that sweet big ass she got on her. It kinda came back to me then. But The Mack can't be raising no little ones especially when I know they ain't mine. Can't barely take care of mydamnself, feel me?"
"Are you certain you are not the father of her child?"
"I done told you I hit it, if that's what you askin. But that's it."
"If it's advice you seek, I suggest you take a paternity test and settle the matter once and for all."
"Nigga, that shit cost $200. I done checked. I can think of a whole lot better ways to spend my hard earned cheddar than looking for some bad news."
"Don't be ridiculous. You must find out if for no other reason than to acknowledge the child's biological heritage. But what does your relationship with this Lisa woman have to do with the authorities?"
"She set them on me." He searched in pockets, "Damn, I sure could use me a Powt."
"You know I don't smoke."
"I ain't talking about you, playboy. Damn. Anyway, remember that new job I got over at The Mansion Hotel I was telling you about?"
"Good job too. Took me three weeks to get my first paycheck and when I finally got it the thing almost brought my ass to tears. Wasn't but two God damn days pay. I took it right straight up to the humans department. They got a young boy that just got out of Howard working in there that's always talking to them white girls and I told him, 'Yo, what's this here? How ya'll expect somebody to live off a $112.19 for two weeks work?' That boy said something about pay cycles or some shit that didn't make no kinda sense to me at all. I told him ain't none of that cycle shit gonna make a bit difference to the lady in the management office at my building. She can't wait to set me out on the street. But all that boy got to say is that's the hotel policy, he's real sorry, but ain't nothing more he can do about it.
"Policies are the heart of any successful organization," I said.
"Oh man, that ain't even the worst part. Lordy, I need me a Powt," Blue swiveled on the barstool, inspecting the scattered patrons, and bummed a Newport from a teary eyed stranger. Plumes of smoke surrounded us as he continued. "Yesterday I get another check and it's short again. So I go right back up to that boy in the humans department and says they done really screwed me up this time. He looks at my check and says they done took a $169.57 out for DC Child Support."
"Oh no, they are garnishing Child Support from your wages. It appears Lisa has been to the courts."
"I don't care where that bitch been, I got to eat. That baby ain't even mine, so why I got to pay? I told that boy the lady in the management office at my building gonna put me out on East Capitol for sure this time if I don't make my rent. But he keep telling me to calm myself down and that I should call the courthouse and see what's going on."
"And did you?"
"Thing is, I finally get me a halfway decent job and I'll be God damn if somebody ain't taking nearly every red cent I'm busting my ass to make. What the hells the point? I was so mad I wanted to hit that young boy."
"It certainly wasn't his fault. He was merely doing his job. He should be commended for helping you to understand the circumstances of your predicament."
"Well, I wanted to kick somebody's ass. And if I was the type I'da headed straight over to Lisa-with-a-Hat's building and toned that bitch up. But that ain't me. That shit'll get ya ass locked up forever. But when you find out a hoe, some bitch you ain't never really had no feelings for, is scheming most of your God damn money it gives you them kinda thoughts. Feel me? A nigga can't get nowhere without some big chocolate ass hoochie hounding him for all he's worth."
"There are many obstacles to our success." I said
"Anyway I used Pedro's cell phone after talking to that boy and called them courthouse people up just like he told me. I says, 'What ya'll doing? That child ain't mine."
"You said you weren't certain the child was yours."
"I ain't for sure. But you always got to have you a smart plan up your sleeve when you dealing with them legal people. Jerry that work in the mailroom up in that law office told me that one time. I didn't want them thinking I was wasting they time. I told the lady on the phone that Lisa-with-a-hat is lyin her ass off cause she know I ain't that baby daddy."
"And what was the response?"
"Man, that lady at the courthouse was eating her lunch and was meaner than the lady in the management office at my building. You know, there's just too many evil black females in the world to get anything done right. The bitty sat there chomping on some chips all in my ear and said it ain't her problem, lie or no lie I still got to pay."
"Guilty until proven innocent."
"Whatever. She said that I done waited too long to fix up this problem and Lisa-with-a-hat went and filed papers. And since I ain't showed up on the court date she won a judgment for my money. I told her I didn't know a God damn thing about no court date. She said she ain't gonna tolerate no use of the Lord's name like that and I got to talk to somebody in a different department. But the number she gave me been busy every damn time I call."
"So you'll have to pay her until this matter cleared up. I'm sorry, of course, for your misfortune but you must accept the consequences of your actions or, in this case, inaction. Your careless decisions are responsible for this regrettable dilemma."
"If I'da known shit was gonna turn out like this, I'da left that pussy alone."
"Generally a good choice."