I stumbled upon some old photos of myself while cleaning out my junky closet. I am famous for letting stuff pile up, putting it off until the next day and the next day becomes a week, then a month now it has been a year since I have attempted once again to clean out this horrifying closet. My closet is really very frightening to say the least. Hell, I'll never finish in time to go out to my favorite jazz club. The ever so Popular B.E.T. Jazz club located downtown DC., "that joint is tight" as my teen-age son would say. I told my date that I'd be ready on time for a change. I will be there promptly at eight o'clock he told me on the phone "so be ready". Here it is almost six o'clock and I have been cleaning all afternoon. Well for one thing I slept in late, then went for a quick afternoon walk, came back in around two o'clock to clean house and figured that I had enough time to clean this closet out. Just as I was half way done, I stumbled upon some old photos of myself that was lying on the closet floor dating back to the early 90's. I went into a back down memory lane mode as I stared at my size 8 figure. Damn, I can't believe my waist was so small. I was wearing the hell out of those daisy dukes! I remembered when the brothers yelled out comments like "brick house" and "I like the way you look in those jeans". I thought those comments were embarrassing. Sometimes the comments that they made were nice, and some just made me blush.

It is really unbeliveable that I let myself gain so much weight. Now I don't get wolf calls anymore. But I do get compliments from time to time. I remember very well when I started putting on the pounds. It was when my ex-husband remarried. Shit, that nearly killed me. I was still very much in love with him and had a difficult time getting over the divorce. Eating was the only thing that numbed the pain inside of me. I ate everything in sight. You'd be surprised how depression can effect your body and health.

Eventually I got over him, but my eating habits were out of control and therefore I was addicted. Now, I'm not making excuses for myself. Because after awhile you have to let go and let GOD step in and do the rest. But before I let GOD step in, I went on every crash diet there was. The starvation diets were the worst. I'd lose all the weight and gain it all back plus extra pounds. My body didn't know what was going on.

Sometimes people think that just because you're overweight they can say anything to you. It's like they don't think you have feelings. I grew tired of my relatives telling me at family reunions "Linda girl, you have really gained a lot of weight, you don't look like yourself anymore". Seemed like they always waited until we were at a soul food cafe just as I was getting ready to dive into my peach cobbler when they would say shit like that. That didn't stop me, I ate it anyway as they all watched. Another comment was "you sure have a pretty face" but... if you were a little trimmer you'd be a knock-out! I was even described by this lady over the phone when she couldn't remember my name as the "short jolly heavy set" black lady. She didn't mean any harm, some people always assume that you know how to cook, sing or you're jolly when you are overweight. Oh, I almost forgot one comment, check this out- "I bet you know where all the restaurants are." There is only one that is true and that is that I can sing. At least I have been told by many. And I can cook pretty good, but I am not that great in the kitchen. Those were only a few of many ignorant comments that I received. I felt helpless and also worthless. My self esteem was slowly weakening.

I went from a size 8 to a size 16. Once wearing a 125 pounds, I remembered thinking that was too much weight. I thought that I should be smaller. Can you believe that? Once weighing a 193 pounds and 5-foot 3-inches tall made it impossible for me to feel good about myself. Especially after being put down by so many people. Some people think that if they tease or put you down that you'd lose the weight. When I was slimmer I would go to parties and nightclubs where there were more women than men. Most women found me a threat, I was there competition, but at a 193 pounds they thought that I wasn't attractive and that men wouldn't give me the time of day or night for that matter. And yes, I've actually dated two men who told me that if I didn't lose the weight that our relationship was over. You can imagine how I must have felt.

That really pushed my self-esteem right out the door when the second guy told me that. I hated going shopping to buy clothes. Nothing looked good on me anyway, I thought. I didn't care how I looked anymore. My hair and nails were a mess. I had to get myself together. Not to attract men and to receive wolf calls. I had to lose the the weight for myself and for my health as well. My blood pressure was getting to be so high that it scared me! So I got serious, I started eating foods that were healthy for me instead of crash dieting. I exercised and dranked plenty of water. Another thing that I did was gain control of my confidence and my self-esteem. My attitude about myself is so different now. If a brother ever tells me again that I need to lose weight or else he was out, I'd tell him to step, because when he stepped to me he saw that I was a big girl, so why would you tell me to lose weight? Hello! I would make absolutely sure he would be put in check before I let him hurt my feelings. It was the same thing when I met this brother thru via internet. He told me he wasn't attracted to big women. And that they were always chasing after him. I was still at a 193 and had lost 38 pounds. I told him the truth about being a 155 pounds in the beginning, but as time went on I told him that I'd lost more weight and was now down to a 120 pounds and I could finally get that thong on again. Truth be told, I really wanted to shock him so that when he did see me, he would see that women can be beautiful at all sizes. I received a surprise visit from him very quickly, I should say so myself. I always wanted him to come for a visit and he never would. I was so excited to see him and nervous as hell. Not because of the little black lie that I told, but because I really liked him. Needless to say, our meeting didn't go that well. I am sure that he could tell that I was very nervous, even though I tried pretending that I wasn't. He seemed to be calm and cool. I thought that it was awfully bold and rude of him to surprise me without calling. But at the same time I was glad to see him.

After our short visit, I walked him to his car. He really didn't want me to, but I did anyway. Hell after the shock of seeing him, I needed some air. He told me that his car was old and beat up, but I didn't care. It really didn't matter to me. What did matter was that I was digging this brother for himself not for materialistic things. Too bad he didn't feel the same way about me. I knew that he paid me that surprise visit just to check me out. And if I had met his standards of beauty he would have stayed around until I got off work. I only had two more hours to go before I got off. He was on vacation and on his way to his home town which was three hours away. He still could have made time for a longer visit with me. I asked him perhaps on his way back from his home town if maybe we could go out for a drink and conversation. I am positive that if I'd been slim and trim he would have invited me out for a cup of tea or a glass of wine, something! Shit, that was really f----- up!!! I emailed him later after his vacation and asked if I'd looked like the big girls that was always chasing after him? I mean granted, that was a cruel joke that I played on him, but I wanted to teach the brother a lesson, because I knew that I would eventually see him and I knew that I wasn't his type and that's cool. He sent a message back stating that he prefered the "Nia Long" type. I have seen a time when a statement like that would have hurt me like all get out! But I didn't trip, I was cool. Everybody has there own preference and that is understandable. But when you judge someone because of their weight or for that matter what type of job they have, the neighboord in which they live, skin color or even the type of car they drive is wrong. You may really be missing out on a really terrific person. I guess he'll never know how terrific I am. I never heard from him again. It just proved to me that I was right about him being shallow. Well what can I say, life goes on.

I have learned that you must love yourself. I am still slowly losing weight. Taking my time and not rushing for anyone, not even for myself. My ideal weight is 130 pounds. When I reach my goal I will still be sweet, caring, and considerate. I am inlove with me. My hair, make-up, nails and the fly clothes that I wear is just an outer appearance. What matters the most is how confident you feel about yourself on the inside and believe me it will show on the outside. With my confidence and self-esteem intact I get much play! Brothers greet me now by saying hello beautiful or gorgeous. Or you look pretty today. I can't tell you how many phone numbers that I get. Most of the sisters think that I have a man stashed a way somewhere because I keep myself looking so good. They don't know that it is GOD that makes me feel good. What? Are you suppose to allow yourself to look terrible because there is no man in your life. Or because you are overweight? No way! A few years ago I thought I'd never have this much confidence. So to the skinny sisters out there who don't think that a fat sister is a threat, watch out! Don't ever think that a fat girl can't pull your man. No, I am not "The Nia Long Type". She is a beautiful, talented and sexy actress and I love all of her movies. I am me. Linda McCoy-Williams-aka Brown Sugar with plenty of charmin that brothers love to squeeze. I am just as beautiful, talented and sexy as I want to be, no matter how much I weigh. Regardless of what others think.