Refiner's Flame

by Blackpearl

I told you that I no longer wanted you in my life
It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do 
And although, I still wish there was another way
I know that I don't  need you

I don't need you taking me for granted
Putting me second
Disappointing me
And only satisfying my body

AS much as I love you, I realize 
That you will never love me as I love you
You will be true one day but it won't be to me
And that all I wasted was time and energy

I can't get back what I have put into you
I can't take back a single tear
I can't get a refund
But through it all I became someone

This has been the hardest fight of my life
The hardest battle yet
I've lost so much or so it seems
But I've learned lessons I'll never forget

I am sure that you will always be special to me
I wish that I could say the same
And I know that I will hurt for a while longer
And I may always slightly wince at the very sound of your name

But with time, prayer, distance, and keeping myself busy
I am sure one day my heart will mend
I will reach the goals that didn't seem obtainable back then

It seems unfair to me and a  total loss
I didn't order your type of love
And still got stuck with the cost

But I consider it a blessing in disguise
That through the pain, anger, and bitterness
That I came out of it much more wise

I learned lessons I refused to learn before
As a woman, I should do less
And it is the man who should do more

I'm not saying that I have nothing to give
Expect the man to do it all
And be responsible for how I live

But what I am saying is that I am valuable
Precious and rare
That I don't have to wear the pants
That they should be worn by the male

That as a woman, I am to be respected, protected, and adored
That a real man won't take me through all the pain, I've experienced before
And that I don't have to suffer in silence to make the relationship work
If I keep my eyes open, trust God, and pray 
I won't end up with another jerk

These lessons have taken me so long to learn
I've had to go through so much 
I was beaten, used, and burned

But now that I know these lessons
I will never doubt
That for me God has a man
And that with the same prayer and trust things will work
But first, He had some issues to burn out of me first

I was taken through the fire and I still am in the flame
And sometimes these flames get so hot
I can't help but call out His name

But I think this is what He wants for me
To withstand the fire and the pressure
To go through the entire process
He wants to burn the impurities out of me
If only I will let him

So I will try to endure the flame
The torment, the tears, the anger
I will always bear in mind
That outside of the Refiner's Flame
There exists another danger

A whole 'nother fire
the flames of hell that burn in satan's empire

I will try to stand the heat, and try to bear in mind
That although the flames of Heaven are causing me great pain
The flames of hell have no repentance, no grace, no mercy, or no gain

This poem started out to be a thought about a man that I used to love
God told me to let him go, but I thought that it was love
After many years, I said goodbye because I knew he loved me not
So now I re-read all my words and see God had yet another plot
It wasn't about the guy I loved
But it was about God's love for me

Just like this poem about one thing
Turned out to be about another
He took my words, my broken heart
And made me see His glory
That just like this poem, my broken life
Is not the end to this story
He has another plan for us
Just when we think we have really messed up
He can slip in at any time
And fill our heart's empty cup

I thank you Lord for loving me
More than I love myself
I thank you for never giving up on me
When I gave up on myself

I thank you for showing me true love 
When I thought it would never be mine
I thank you for forgiving me time after time
After time 
after time 
after time

Refiner's Flame by Blackpearl

© Copyright 2001. All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be duplicated or copied without the expressed written consent of the author.

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