I want to know the origin of my pain
I want it to end.
I want to know where my life stopped and the pain began.
I was hurting way before I ever had a man.
This pain the drives me to drink, smoke, eat, and shop.
I've tried all kinds of things to get me to stop
The pain has begun to take over my life.  
This pain that haunts me, keeps me awake at night. 
I want to know what I was made for
what am I to do in this world for my Lord? 
What did He have in mind when He made me? 
What are His daily thoughts of me? 
When he sees His daughter lost in the world.
I know He has big plans for His babygirl. 
He made His presence known at an early age, 
but I have continued to run this race, without seeking His face. 
Because when I do, it's painful to me.
I don't know how to fight this battle within me. 
It seems like I don't do what I am supposed to do. 
I look all around instead of above my head for someone to run to. 
Then I get angry when they don't feel my pain, or don't understand. 
I have to seek God before I seek the counsel of man.  
The problem lies with my spiritual eyes,
which are half open, half shut. 
I've allowed myself to be treated as a slut. 
When in God's eyes, I am His child. 
I shouldn't have left home at 18, I wasn't aware the world was so mean. 
Liars and cheats, users and thieves. 
All sent by the enemy to assassinate me.

 "Just give her enough pain to cripple her walk with God.
 Keep her blind to the wonders and miracles of the Lord.
 Keep her head bowed in shame"

this is what the devil told his angels when he mentioned my name. 
The Lord sits patiently by until the day
I hold my head to sky, stop asking why,
Surrender to Him. 
He wants to fill my cup to the rim, with His brand of love. 
But my head is so heavy with sin and pain, 
that I can't do anything but call out His name. 
Out of my pain, I continue to live a life of sin, 
when all my spirit does is cry out for Him. 
This civil war wages on in my soul. 
Sometimes I can feel the sin in my every fiber of my body.  
The flesh has taken control of me and my desires, 
None of them is pure or Godly. 
When in my heart, I know I love Him so. 
It's so hard to give up control
But my flesh gains more power everyday. 
I want the rewards of the righteous
but am unwilling to get what I want HIS way.