Less Time At The Club, More Time On My Knees

by Blackpearl

Smiling on the outside, crying on the inside. I need the comfort of a 
homie, friend, and lover. Stop the world, I want off of this ride. 
Someone to tell me that all of my troubles are over. Do I want too 
much, this man that I seek? Am I over-reacting by feeling, my future is 
bleak? Do I want something I am unable to give myself? Does that make 
me less of a woman, because I can admit I need some help? My soul tells 
me everything I need is in the Lord. But He is so complex to me. Am I 
wrong to desire a man in the flesh? Am I prolonging my troubles in 
spite of myself? I need someone to replenish my soul. A reason to 
smile, someone to hold. How do I manage to make myself feel needed and 
loved? Be content with my situation and not hurry love. I want to be 
happy but don't know where to start. I want so much to give the right 
man my heart. I guess in this time, I must spend by myself. I must use 
the time wisely make adjustments to my personality. I have to get rid 
of this jealousy that lives in my heart. But if you've never had 
anything that was actually yours, where do you start? I realize now, I 
don't know what love feels like, so why does the want of it keep me up 
at night? I want so much to belong to someone, so I can stop going 
around in circles. Trying to make love out of lust, now that would take 
a miracle. I should spend less time in the club, and more on my knees. 

I know deep in m heart, He is the only one. Who loved me enough to give 
His only son.  But I am so used to being with someone. Have to get out 
of this paradigm shift that I am currently in.  This battle of flesh I 
do want to win. But how do you relate to God differently than men. I 
want a man to love me for all of my ways, appreciate who God made me to 
be and all of my traits. I am not a bad person, just wishing for 
nothing, I guess. I have to find the strength in myself. I have to look 
inside and take stock of what's there. Not look for companionship, 
love, and understanding elsewhere. I don't see any answers coming to 
quick. Just learned I would rather have intimacy instead of dick. I 
think of all of the men in my past. I wanted love, they wanted ass. 
Guess who got what they wanted and guess who didn't. They asked me for 
sex and I heard commitment.  Got what they came for and hit the road. I 
spent all of my time caring for their needs. I need to spend less time 
at the club and more time on my knees. 

I am trying to hold on as best as I can. Trying to tell myself "you 
don't need a man". But deep inside I feel like I've died and the only 
thing left is this wanting. Echoes of past broken promises continue to 
haunt me. Sometimes it's too much, can't deal with the pain, They look 
at my clothes, hair, and ride.  But they don't know how badly damaged 
my heart is inside. They see the clothes, the car, the illusion.  They 
don't see someone, whose true love still eludes them. Where is he, can 
he hear my call. Does he even exist at all? I am still left wanting, 
always fronting, having to be cunning. To mask these fears, these 
insecurities, all the bad things that make up the other half of me. 

I think I'll spend less time at the club and more time on my knees.

Less Time At The Club, More Time On My Knees by Blackpearl

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