Smiling on the outside, crying on the inside. I need the comfort of a
homie, friend, and lover. Stop the world, I want off of this ride.
Someone to tell me that all of my troubles are over. Do I want too
much, this man that I seek? Am I over-reacting by feeling, my future is
bleak? Do I want something I am unable to give myself? Does that make
me less of a woman, because I can admit I need some help? My soul tells
me everything I need is in the Lord. But He is so complex to me. Am I
wrong to desire a man in the flesh? Am I prolonging my troubles in
spite of myself? I need someone to replenish my soul. A reason to
smile, someone to hold. How do I manage to make myself feel needed and
loved? Be content with my situation and not hurry love. I want to be
happy but don't know where to start. I want so much to give the right
man my heart. I guess in this time, I must spend by myself. I must use
the time wisely make adjustments to my personality. I have to get rid
of this jealousy that lives in my heart. But if you've never had
anything that was actually yours, where do you start? I realize now, I
don't know what love feels like, so why does the want of it keep me up
at night? I want so much to belong to someone, so I can stop going
around in circles. Trying to make love out of lust, now that would take
a miracle. I should spend less time in the club, and more on my knees.
I know deep in m heart, He is the only one. Who loved me enough to give
His only son. But I am so used to being with someone. Have to get out
of this paradigm shift that I am currently in. This battle of flesh I
do want to win. But how do you relate to God differently than men. I
want a man to love me for all of my ways, appreciate who God made me to
be and all of my traits. I am not a bad person, just wishing for
nothing, I guess. I have to find the strength in myself. I have to look
inside and take stock of what's there. Not look for companionship,
love, and understanding elsewhere. I don't see any answers coming to
quick. Just learned I would rather have intimacy instead of dick. I
think of all of the men in my past. I wanted love, they wanted ass.
Guess who got what they wanted and guess who didn't. They asked me for
sex and I heard commitment. Got what they came for and hit the road. I
spent all of my time caring for their needs. I need to spend less time
at the club and more time on my knees.
I am trying to hold on as best as I can. Trying to tell myself "you
don't need a man". But deep inside I feel like I've died and the only
thing left is this wanting. Echoes of past broken promises continue to
haunt me. Sometimes it's too much, can't deal with the pain, They look
at my clothes, hair, and ride. But they don't know how badly damaged
my heart is inside. They see the clothes, the car, the illusion. They
don't see someone, whose true love still eludes them. Where is he, can
he hear my call. Does he even exist at all? I am still left wanting,
always fronting, having to be cunning. To mask these fears, these
insecurities, all the bad things that make up the other half of me.
I think I'll spend less time at the club and more time on my knees.