I used to get lost in an abyss of confusion sometimes 
Now that I look back on the saga of my life
A virtual tug of war...warped reality clashes with foolish fantasy
So much so that I had convinced myself that my knowledge was in abundance
A ravaged mind trapped behind a face of unmasked serenity
That fooled the beholder of my visage cleverly
For the brilliance of my charming smile
Hid pain and pent up tears in its grasp
Every so often the grip would loosen and give way
To a flood of watery agony in a purple haze…
As memories haunted me in floating phantoms that linger relentlessly…

I asked myself…
Where do I find my balance in this vast space called self…
Which corner do I seek counsel first in answer to my quest…
How do I begin to dissolve the frustration of not knowing…not understanding…
When will the silences no longer torment me instead of comfort…
And who will I be when the painful pruning of my spirit ceases…

For the smoldering embers that was once a brilliant fire was doused
In the revelation that who I thought I was never really existed at all
My blindness to the stark verity that my reflection had spoke of long ago
And I found myself fumbling in blank chasms of nothingness
My hands searched wildly for something to hold onto
My pleas echoed loudly and bounced off of deaf ears
For while my pleading that was shown in my swollen eyes…
Wouldn’t spill past the dry parchment of my mute lips…

The suffocating weight of the desire to escape weighed down my chest
And my dreams were plagued with the anxiety of never fulfilling my destiny
To be…
And the denial of self to actually feel love and be loved in return crashed
Like waves against my rocky cliff of lack of self worth…confidence…
Hold your head up my Black Sistah…Essence magazine proclaimed
But could they supply the backbone I needed to give it balance to be proud in stance…
And then I heard that trouble didn’t last always and joy cometh in the morning…
So why did my night seem endless…to infinity…where was my happiness…
Was it lost somewhere in the abysmal pit of hopelessness and despair?

In the darkest moment of desperation to escape my flaunting failures 
And hold on to the last fragile threads called my sanity…my weakened knees gave way
The final devastation and the will to give up pushed me to my face
And suddenly my broken spirit was lifted and place down in front of an alter
Gentle fingertips featherlike in touch reached down and wiped the tears away in finality

Then I heard a voice say… 
“Have you had enough yet daughter…do you know who you really are?
 From the day that you accepted me as your Father…you became my own…
I promised to never leave or forsake you… just trust in me to take care of you…
You see my child you cannot ask me to guide you through life’s mountains and valleys
Then turn around and create your own footsteps in the same course…
I am the only tour guide that this journey demands…your way only leads to destruction…
I told you to keep your eyes staid on me and I will give you all the love that you need...
But you chose to try to wrap up in the comfort of the love of men only to end up naked and alone…
the blanket was stripped in every relationship you had…it was not in my will
When you choose to love me as I love you, you will have the ruler to measure self worth”…

Those last words swayed in the gentle breezes in my thoughts 
A transforming meditation of my purpose in this drama called life began to occur
The streaks in my reflection vanished like a fading memory…a sharper image appeared
In the vain need of control of a destiny that never belong to me 
I forgot that the map that I etched out for my life…was burned and redrawn
On the day that my soul was cleansed in the tears that he shed for me 
The restoration of my soul healed the blank abyss 
and rewrote the saga under a new author…his name is Jesus