Word Up 3
by Angela Brown
To my family, who encouraged me to?
It takes a painful experience to realize the presence in one’s life is more valuable than any concrete desire and once you lose it, you will never be the same. Being mentally ill is a challenge, but, Ann's disability never let go of her lust for living. There was a secret her parents kept from her, that would someday hunt her image. Ann had been dying of a genetic disease. It is the reason for her being paranoid.
Ann had been hearing voices for some time. She would walk and say her thoughts out loud. People she knew began to feel uncomfortable around her. Her therapist knew she was disturbed as Ann began to distance herself becoming isolated and distraught. Through all this, Ann's parents loved her. Camellia, Ann's mother told her, “To be somebody special, believe that you are." This always stuck with Ann; she knew no one could make her feel inferior unless she let them. This became of importance as Ann faced many challenges in life. The key to surviving paranoid schizophrenia is staying focused.
Ann was raised with a since of Christian morals used to upload her soul. With these morals, Ann knew right from wrong. Her grandfathers were in the military and were deacons in the Baptist church. Ann grew up in the Catholic Church. She attended Catholic school, Sunday school, Sunday mass and had a family very active in the Catholic and Baptist church. Her moral faith becomes the foundation she needed to stand. Ann always reflected on her Bible lesson when confronted with the challenges of life. Ann's enthusiasm surrounded good ethical and moral upbringing.
Ann lost her mother with a fight. It had been a war already lost, because she could not bring her back in her life. As a young girl, she was close to her mother. A mother's presence is important in raising a child. Often a child feels a need to have her mother to nurture her and love her. Growing up, Ann missed the component of having a mother to talk to for guidance in her life. Losing her mother was a power struggle. Ann lived in denial having a parent absent in life. Out of hate, Ann felt neglected from other families that had what she needed. After her mother's death, Ann knew that moment would change how she would prove to be strong women making her own decisions in life.
Ann lost her mother in 1985. It was a critical time in her life, because it was the time of Ann's first love. She did not know how to handle it. How does one dress? How does one date? How does one talk to each other? How does a relationship work? How does one exult ones time to a commitment? A young girl falling in love for the first time needs to know how to answer these questions while being involved in a relationship. The hallow had been lifted. After losing her mother, Ann was beginning to feel she was abandoned at her time of need.
She could not express her feelings for Charles. Carl liked Ann for taking care of her. Her hair was long and always healthy and pressed. Ann's clothing was always neat and ironed. Ann's appearance was always color coordinated. Her shoes were always shined. Ann's nails were always neatly manicured. Ann's mother always bought Ann nice things and impressed her to care about herself.
Ann changed after her mother died. Ann had a speech impediment after her mother died. Ann began to wear all dark clothing. She cut her hair out of anger and her appearance began to change. She began to hate herself. Nothing was right anymore. Ann felt she was alone.
One fall day, Ann was in inclusion keeping to her. She remained locked inside of her room. Her father cared for Ann a lot, but she distanced herself from the ones she loved. Her father knew something was different about her. She could not control her anger. She was falling in love, while at the same time she lost her mother who mattered the most in her life who she loved. When her father tried to talk to her about her problems, Ann did not know how to speak of her emotions that lie bottled up inside of her. From time to time, she would scream or cry uncontrollably. It was then her father decided to send her to a psychiatrist.
The fall that her father decided to leave the city is the time Ann and Carl began to make friends. Ann's psychiatrist felt that Ann needed to get away from her home to focus on reality. She needed to reflect in a positive way. The environment in the country was beautiful. The air was cleaner, the sight was pleasant and green and the sky was clear. It is better than all the combustion and dirt in the city.
The voices would say, "What are you doing?", "Why would you do something dumb like that?", "Who do you think you are?", "You are not wanted?", "Your mother never loved you?", "What's it like to lose someone you love?", "No one cares about you." The sad thing about it all is these voices were beginning to get to her. Ann could not handle what she was facing. It was time to get away.
Ann's father had taken away all the pictures and memorable that might remind Ann of her mom. "The doctor says Ann needs to surround herself with positive people," her father communicated with her family.
Her father did not want Ann to salvage herself which could lead her to committing suicide. The voices in her head were totally out of touch. Ann was paranoid thinking without her mother that everyone was against her. The answers in class changed. The notes changed. Her homework was incorrect. Ann had thoughts that people were against her and were trying to persecute her by failing her. She needed some me time.
After moving away from it all, Ann thought what a fabulous idea. For it would bring happiness in her life.
Carl would visit her often. They became to be good friends. The spent a lot of time together. Sometimes in a relationship, having someone to grant you the spiritual support you need is what you need to progress.
Even though Ann could not speak, Carl became her voice. Carl became her mentor. Carl was beginning to remind her of her mother. Carl became her best friend.
Carl was a few years older than Ann. He was very mature for his age. He could not hurt Ann, for he would reflect on her kind heart. He understood her pain and he wanted to help her, because he cared for Ann. They began to make close friends.
The psychiatrist would notice how Ann's face began to glow when she spoke of Carl. She hoped that he would not break her heart. She hoped that he would not break her of her moral faith. She had hoped that he would not separate her from the ones that meant the most to her and of what mattered most to her. Her psychiatrist told Carl that he must not falter her heart or she may never be the same.
Ann's father told her psychiatrist, "Carl is good people. He felt that Carl liked his daughter for who she is, for her personality and warm heart in that he would not use her."
Sometimes a psychiatrist can become a mediator of hope in building relationships that seem to falter on disposition of moral faith. Ann's mother brought life to her child, and without her, Ann did not know how to cope. Therapy can provide insight to wisdom. It helps a person focus on unusual feelings most do not often come to terms to think about. Therapy is a form of meditation. With medication and therapy it gives you the ability to survive. Ann knew she was losing her touch with reality and did not know how to handle the stress. Ann cried to her knees in fear, "What can I say? Mom would not let me run ragged. I pray for God's mercy to guide me through these rough times; but first I must admit, I need help. "
Ann was well liked by her friends. They seem to turn on her after her mother died, because she and her mother were close. Her mother would solve all her problems. Ann's friends always felt highly of her mother and now that she died, her friends seemed to not care. Her friends did care enough to report her behavior to her father and her teachers.
Ann would stare at blank walls and pace back and forth, with her troubled mind. This came to the attention of her teachers.
Ann was a writer. She used her ability to write, to reach others. She could not voice her emotions in front of others; but she had the ability to express her feelings through poetry.
Ann was a great student. All her teachers loved Ann as a student and they encouraged her to write for the student paper. One day, Ann's English teacher, decided that he would enter her poems in a national writing contest. Ann had everyone's support.
The writing contest is something that Ann could do to build her self-esteem. What would Ann write about? Ann's teachers always told her to write about something she knew about, and so, she wrote about the love she had for her mother.
In her poem, Ann talked about what her mother meant to her in her life. She spoke about her being her closest friend. She spoke about the good things her mother did for her. She spoke about how she admired her mother and how much a good inspiration her mother had on her life. She wrote about her emotions that she could not ordinarily express. Ann's psychiatrist said, "This is a psychological break through."
Ann read her paper out loud as a spoken word artist and it became clear to her father that his role as a parent was making her into a responsible young adult.
Ann's paper received recognition, and her teacher asked her to perform her spoken word piece in front of the community. Ann was soft spoken. She felt challenged. She had never done this before. It would be the first time she opened up to communicate her emotions with anyone since she lost her mother. "What is she to do?"
Ann became focused, as she rubbed the palm of her hands, nervously in front of the audience. She recited her piece in calm, seriousness as she reflected her moment to come to realize the progress she made.
It was then she felt, "The depression is over."
Ann's figures became more relaxed. She was not as stiff. She began to get her composure back. She was not as soft spoken. Her eyes were brimming with concern.
It became the first break through in life, for she would have more challenges to confront as life progressed. She would start with building her relationship with the ones who mattered the most in her life. She would have to start with the one who cared for her and thought highly of her.
Ann began to question her own actions, "Where do I start to make up to everyone for ignoring them all?"
It was then a voice in her head replied, "I will start by asking Carl for forgiveness. He is the one who supported me through the difficult times. He has been there for me all along."
It was then; Carl had given Ann a beautiful white roseflower to place in her hair to remember him by. A rose was her mother’s favorite flower.