Word Up

by Angela Brown

Friendship is the best relationship one can share with a man, because a boyfriend can make your life complete. His love can make you whole. His love can change your lifestyle. His love can also break your heart. His love is a template of modesty that builds trust. I fell in love with a boy of steal. He was my bumble bee. He had a tiny head, with big beetle eyes, a pinkie nose, elephant ears, with a body built yellow-jack body who I had a crush on since a baby. We would chase each other, laughing, for no reason until the wee hours having fun and at night I would fall into deep sleep with him at my bedside. We would part from time to time, thinking we would not see each other again, but when we came together we had a bond that would not separate our friendship. I loved to dance and was good at it. Girls had separate teams with only one race performing in each dance group. To join a team, black women had to have the same height, weight, body build and have a lot of talent. I did street dance with dance teams. We were like vignettes dance team. At that time only certain people could dance in secret parades in this city. I was lucky to be on a team. As team captain, I had to develop the dance routine. My dance team was the first to break tradition allowing all dancers to perform in parades and completion in the city. Our street dancers would premier to the public for publicity to retain the dance art programs in schools. I had not seen him since I was a baby, but this time, I needed someone to play an instrument for my dance team. He had been a great musical player with his own crew. His band not only played for my dance crew, but he taught me how to look at a music sheet and choose the perfect song for our dance group. Every new dance is started by dancers, performers, or dance artist as an influence on the public first impression. At this time the street gangs held meetings on us women. It was said that the male street gangs wanted women to be their sex partners. When I heard this, all the women went on strike from having sex, and so, the women would only have sex with their boyfriends instead. There were times we were neighbors and I would run away from home to be with him. We would laugh and talk throughout the night. It was not safe to be with him because he dealt drugs. He had a lot of women and told me that I was the only one he ever loved. His father gave him a teddy bear with a camera in it like most basketball stars had at this time. I filmed us playing together. His Mom found our video in his room cleaning it up and decided to play it to the family. I was embarrassed. It was the last time I thought we would see each other. At an early age, this older teenager, got me pregnant. He persuaded me that he loved me and wanted to show his affection for me. He was my first love. We were parted, because our families had two different economic status. It is the same reason Romeo and Juliet committed suicide. The court put me under protective service. The therapist told me not to reveal the secret that I was no longer a virgin. The court and our parents felt that I was too young to decide to have sex and to raise a baby. We were never to meet again. Women should respect their bodies enough to not be used as sex objects to men. Do not mistake love for being interment in a. Abstinence and celibacy is the most important experience in a relationship. If a man says he loves you he can wait until you are both mature to know what love really means. We met again when I was in high school. I would forget our love each time. He would use his charm to write letters and poetry. He told me that unless I slept with him that he would bond and date. We got caught by his parents in their bed. His mom called my mom and after getting pregnant, we decided to date. The community was against us dating. His father also disapproved of our relationship because we were two different races. We separated. We vowed to not see each other again. I played basketball in high school. He played basketball too and our bond is what motivated me to be a great player, the captain of the team, who would lead our team to victory with or without him. Without him in my life made me suicidal, but I knew what I had to do to survive without his presence in my life. He motivated me to have confidence in myself. Every time we broke up, hurt. He was a D.J. and was good. He was a musician in a club. I did the routine practice for my dance team. I wanted to work there to monitor him for cheating, but when I performed, the team was asked to strip. He watched a little and took me home. It was a valuable lesson to me. The next year we got together again. This time he was going to college. We talked together hours at a time over the phone. When he left off to college without saying good bye, it broke our hearts. We started acting out inappropriately. Our fathers did not understand what our love meant to each other. When he came back to town, we got to talk for the last time to say good bye. It made me feel whole again. We played college basketball. It was always his fault that he took and sold drugs. I was impartial to drugs and gangs. I felt I had a lot going for me in life and I knew that I could not associate with something I was unfamiliar with that would destroy both of us and our relationship. I saw what drugs did to his friends. Drugs leads to prison or death on the street. I did not want anything bad to happen to him or me and when I broke up with him, I gave him the ultimatum to strengthen him. It was because of a drug test that kept him from playing basketball professionally. It was because he was unfaithful with so many women he had did, I could not be his side kick. I needed him to show me he was true and he could never do this. He could have died in high school basketball and football. On the team he was almost paralyzed from the neck down. I forgave him for being resentful towards me. He blamed me for his problems, but I was there to give him the love and support that he needed to recover. When we met in college his major was music mine was dance. It seemed it would work for us this time, but it did not. His father wanted him to major in something more real than music. He was raised by his mother. His father neglected him and had not much presence in his life. It was because of his broken family that we never seemed to touch base with our true feelings. I would love him so much that I cleaned his apartment while he was away. He trusted me with a key to his house. His parents were impressed that he was growing up. They thought he actually took the time to clean. I could have walked in unnoticed to see him cheating with another women. This never happened. I loved him so much that I bought him a pink couch for his great room. His friends teased him for being gay with a pink couch. It was my mark to let everyone know my man was taken. It worked out until we broke up. This time it was because he felt if we separated that we could explore our options to find out if we were really meant for each other. This indeed devastated me. I was willing to lay down my life to defend this man. He went to prison for grand theft. I tried to pay is bail. I was willing to testify to have him released. I was pregnant again and I and his baby needed him. I to keep contact with him while he was in prison. I was hoping he would not come out unfaithful and gay. I love this man. I wrote him many letters while he was away and sent pictures of the family to remind him of us. He returned every letter sent. It would be years before being released from prison. I could only pray for the man I loved. With his love, I could not confide with visual reality. I thought that I wanted to drop everything and be the person he wanted. I learned in life that no one can base a relationship on sex. Every time he was broken, he wanted to have sex. I felt, maybe, that this was his way of showing his affection for me. Sex made me feel that he needed me to be there for him as much as I needed to be loved by him. I need a man to tell me he loved me. His other lovers were after his familiesí money. I only loved him from what was inside his heart and mind. He neglected to understand this. He could only love from sex and how much he sex he got and those loosed women would give it to him as long as he took care of him. It is lust that would break him some day. God made one man for one woman to build a relationship and grow. He got more attractive as we aged. I loved to make love to this man by the way he held me in his arms. I loved him for his natural scent. I loved him for his muscular build. I loved him for the texture of his skin as he rubbed me the right way. He was so passionate with his kiss and the sex was always good. He always told me to trust him. He wanted me to look into his eyes and not be so tense, but trust that he would always be there for me and I always did. We shared our dreams and ambitions in life. He wanted to president of the United States and I wanted to become the first black women on the Supreme Court. I was going to become a Civil Rights lawyer and he was going to run his family business. His family owned stores and restaurants that he managed. I worked for one restaurant as a waitress that his family owned. It was awful to have working relationship with family. Work and family do not get along. I could always see him being successful in life. He was great with computers. He had several degrees. I was college educated as well. We discussed our weakness as well. We each felt we wanted to be independent. It seems to us both our parents were mean and not abusive. It was because they were over protective. His mom like my mom, were involved in the community and in church activities. We were brought up in the same schools and the same moral faith. In fact we both led identical lives. We even shared the same basketball team numbers on every team jersey. To have man break down and cry to you and tell you he only love you is very meaningful to any woman. It means that he means it. We talked about our friends and family. I was always interested and he was outgoing. Without him, I would be shy still. He helped me open up to become more confident in life and about myself. Most of his friends did not have the personality that he had. When he came into a room everyone's face would glow from admiration. His parents were in great service to the community and was well respected. My parents were respected as community leaders as well. Both our parents were college educated. His parents attended some of the same schools that he and I did. His parents, like us, played basketball and danced in school too. Our personalities were always compatible. I felt intimidated by his intellect. He always knew the right things to say that made an impression on me. I loved him for giving me complements. He told me how much he adored my appearance and he encouraged me to be my best. He gave me the attention that made me more confident. We both needed therapy. We had a jealous love. He wanted me. I wanted him. He was my one and my only true love. He was my first love. When we broke up we would forget our love only to fall in love again. Our parents were partially the blame for our broken relationship. They wanted to choose who we were to marry. This never works with most marriages. It seemed that I was never good enough for him and him never what they wanted me to be with. He had anger management and so did I with all the frustration of being denied the right to just be myself and to follow my heart. I felt I have shared a relationship with a man and with this relationship my life is complete. I had a man who told me what I wanted to hear him say, "I love you." He held me in his arms and I felt the warmth of his heart as we embraced. As we began to talk, we got to know each other's personalities. He seemed to me to be polite and considerate to everyone and he loves his Mom. He impressed me with his gentle charm. He was a very smart man. I guess after having so many relationships he knew how to respond to me even in anger. He was much older than I was. It is said that girls are 7 years older than boys and so we must have been the same intellectual level as we were both college educated. He was always honest with me. By telling me exactly how he felt built trust. I could rely on him to be honest about how he really felt. If I said or did something that he thought was good, I needed that support to make me secure. He made me feel welcome in a relationship. As I watched how he reacted with others, I could feel everyoneís response atmosphere as being happy and welcoming. Even dogs did not bark when he is around and a dog can tell if the person is good or bad. He would speak highly of his mother. A man who loves his mom that much must love women. He showed me to have a stronger bond with my mom and I told him that he needs to get along with his father. How he feels about his mother is how he felt about my dad. I felt a strong bond with him like I feel with dad and he feel that way about his mom like he did with me. We met again after high school. He had graduated and was working. My first impression was impersonal. He was hot. I was in lust for this man's favorable appearance on him. He always had a lot of girls around. Over perfective of him as he was with me, I could see that our feelings towards each other, that we had become our parents personalities. I felt when I met him, I could never love again. He had made the perfect friend. The more I got to know him, I wanted to invite him into my life, but, I felt I was not ready. I felt I needed to change my attitude of insecurity by becoming a better person. The biggest problem in our relationship was communication. We would never learn to express our love for one another. We could state we love each other. We had good sex, but we never expressed why we loved each other enough. We could say we have love for each other, show we love each other with gifts and cards and it is never the same. I came to determine that after we broke up each time, it was our loss. It took a long time to get over him, because having him in my life meant a lot. His love would always be in my memory. The memory of all the times we spent, all the times we were there for each other to support, to trust and to confide within was gone. His love in my life meant that much to me. Love was sentimental to me. Once a women opens her heart to a man it is the greatest love a man can experience in his life. It means to a couple that you not only have a friend, or a lover, but a partner who is willing to take risk and build a relationship of trust that can be binding. A relationship that could bring happiness, marriage and children supported by family and community and the church. One should not force someone to love them. True love comes from the heart. It is not a jealous love. It is the type of love that is meaningful between a couples. You cannot rush love. True love will grow in due time. Women often are insecure about love. We women are afraid of being with someone who is abusive and will break our hearts. It is hard to be with someone who is indifferent to our feelings. Someone who is contradictive to us makes women feel uncomfortable and it becomes a stepping stone to change. As women become more secure and sure about who they are, they become more open. They feel more confident about who they are and what they want in life. It is when women find out if this time they want to comment to a relationship and are willing to take a chance with the man she loves. My views on love, on how I felt about love had altered, when my heart was broken, by my one true love. This relationship was built on the foundation of fallacy and fantasy. The love that developed in a process of many years had been immature. I felt he and I were immature in our relationship. We would always play games. We never communicated. If only he could tell me how he feels. Instead we would try to avoid our feelings. Men speak in abstracts while women speak in specifics. In other words the meaning of communication becomes distorted imagery that cross signals that are ignored. We would get our families all round up when we broke up. He would have everyone feeling of resentment that it was all my fault that he was miserable and I had made people think we both lost our sense of reality. It was if we were both crazy in love and at the same time sad when we did not speak because we were trying to control each otherís lives. He resented me as much as I resented him for not being in each otherís lives, that we made each otherís lives miserable. People were going around, like they lost touch with reality, that I was the blame for him being sad. People were mad at me, for being the blame for what happened between us. His parents threatened to sue me because their son was miserable without me there with him. My parents blamed me for being the cause of the problem. It is not good to have a love on fear. People can die from breaking a relationship. I was always afraid of this man. He intimidated me with his presence. I always thought I had admired his beauty. He was the first man I had ever had intercourse with and I was his first intercourse. He was the only man I thought I would ever love. My only boyfriend. He was my first love and only true love. I always thought I could never love anyone else like I loved this man. I had spent my whole life being with this man. I had several children I lost with this man. He is the only father of all my children. I cannot understand how anyone could feel that I did not deserve this man's love. I could not love another man with the same type of modesty that was used to build trust, while our views on life were completely construed out of the apples and oranges that stood between us. Was it when I had lost another child with him that I began to mature. I discovered that my problem is that after all our relationship that he never grew up. The child in him was still a child. When our relationship returned he was married a second time. It broke my heart when I found he married my senior year of high school while engaged to me and told me he never loved me more than his cousin loved me. I had to take disappointment inside, when I found we were having an affair. He introduced me to his wife and played me while married to her and I let him. I thought he might chose me over her, over them, over all his others - but he did not. I was never good enough for him. The feelings of hurt, pain and regret returned the night I was reminded of our first sexual experience that was used to break all the delusions from my past that it was real. I have suffered love for many years. I have suffered loss for many years. I have almost lost life more than once. I have matured over the years with the loss of loved ones and almost my life and I endured many illnesses. The thought of having a hysterectomy scares me, being without a child. I am not broken. As part of our relationship we shared, I had to confront that my man had other women in his life. He had been married more than once and significant other women had their children that he took care of. My children were either, aborted, stolen or suffered a miscarriage, but this did not break me. The other women in his life, could be very deceitful and vindictive in trying to win a man over. It is understood that when a man is unfaithful, he does not want you. The bond of trust ends. It is when a woman makes a decision to move on. We all make choices in being with who we want to share our lives with. The real conflict in a relationship is opposites attract and one must be willing to try to settle our differences to become whole. It is when we must decide to settle our differences to make a commitment to try to work things out for the purpose of having love. I have found by experience being lonely, lost and confused, we have control of our destiny. We must be careful of who we love and accept deep inside. We must know when to say no and mean it. We must learn from our past on who we can trust. Having love in our lives is meaningful. Love makes us whole. Love creates happiness. Love become an intricate piece in our lives that is very sentimental. His women tried to prove I was retarded, his women would try to prove I was a gay slut, his women would try to prove I was immature to win him back. They may mark me down with their unkind words, and ridicule me with false accusations and tell untrue lies, but for the love of me that lies inside my heart, they will never break me. I shall not be moved. Do no judge me. I am sorry my one true love was never what I wanted, but I am stronger now in faith, I found myself, I have become a better person and my heart is in a better state. My relationship with God is full of hope, wisdom and experience. With God in my life, I would be unstable. Love is an addiction one cannot resist. The myth of true happiness begins with accepting God in your life. Without faith, there is no hope. One finds God once she identifies with who she is. She will relate to faith by releasing all the hate inside so her soul can act freely. I have found that in order to cure your inner being, you must find the supplement to heal the pain that if not cured can be used to break you. I have been sick for some time. Until I found trust in God, I began to heal. God listens. God answers your prayers. Everything else in the world is circumstance, but willing, God will find the way. I was lost and now I am found. I was blind and now I see. I see because I solved the root of my problem when I realized that I am the blame for my faults, in thoughts and in words. I am a victim of being depressed and suicidal. For many years I was asleep and I failed to understand what was wrong. In order to find eternal happiness, begins with me. I was a victim of putting my goals in life above God. It was then my agenda altered. I became dysfunctional. I feared my life was ruined and I lost all reason to live. The small things in life were big to me now. The life I had was not worth the misery. I became stressed and I could not concentrate until I prayed for God to help and it is when I prayed what mattered most meant the world to me. I could hear the voices talking, but they did not disturb my thoughts from loving God. Prayer overcame my worries. Prayer sustained my fears. I learned to balance my life with faith and prayer. It is then I found myself, because, I learned to accept me for who I am. I was too quiet, I was too sensitive, I was too shy, I was not pretty, I was never smart as everyone else and it became an addiction to please everyone, because, I felt insecure. I became a victim of my self-thought and the root of my problem began with self-hate. I changed when I found God. God made me feel beautiful because I believed that I am someone, established by faith and my choices can make a difference in everyone's life not just my own and if you are in disbelief, say to yourself, I am somebody until you find yourself.


Word Up by Angela Brown

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