Diary of Intimacy

by Angela Brown

 Monday 
I am the addict Desiring with needs Burning with the desire to held and loved. 
Words control the lust to be desired I feel passion between verse I am the voice within 
With a thirst to be heard. I am the darker sister Whose words are As sensitive as her skin 
Where gifted words Disguises its meaning inside I am the voice within Flowing aluminous words Into meaning 
As Sand flows Through loose fingers. My love for you as crazy the voice within  
Often taken for granted My words reveal no lies 
But tell the true meaning of Loss, pain, anger, and grief 
I am the addict Desiring with needs Burning with to be desired I feel passion 
With a thirst to be heard I am the voice within Words of innocence Morning space and time 
Of an aesthetic value often misunderstood I am the voice behind these words 
I am the addict Desiring with needs Often mistaken for self-hate 
In its true essence, the voice within The voice within is challenged Seeking, finding, searching For its own identity to breath 
No, I'm not ego tripping I am the addict Desiring with needs Often mistaken for self-hate 
In its true essence, the voice within I'm just keeping it real I am the addict 
Desiring with needs Often mistaken for self-hate, the voice within 
In its true essence I am the poem I am the addict Desiring with needs 
Often mistaken for self-hate In its true essence Who challenges thought 
This is crazy - the voice within Within hope and loss Within love and pain 
Within happiness and anger Are the words I speak of empathy I am the voice within I ain't got long Im ego tripping   
Today, I awoke sadly detoured with the same routine as usual. The alarm 
sounds off, but I wait. I am weak from normal. I would wake up to my cat 

licking me in the face, but no more. My cat is dead. I am alone. after all I 
silence is  serine and quiet peace. I cannot contain silence. Silence is being 
alone in the dark where you are blinded and cannot see. Alone, I cannot 
be afraid of anything. I am free to think silently and meditate about life. I 
am at peace with the world. I listen vacantly to the sound of a pen 
dropping. Instead I hear my heart is bleating, bleeding eternally inside and 
I don't have the patience to listen. Alone in this empty shell, time has no 
relevance. 
Tuesday 
Alone in my dreams, I am a ballerina princess. In my dream I wear a pink 
gown that covers my feet and a tiara made of gem stones. I express my 
love for life by swaying and prancing to Betoken in Swan Lake. My body 
snaps to the precision of the music. I can feel the piano notes play as my 
body is positioned to be held as I dance and sway and dance and sway with 
pride as if I am somebody today. Today, is the day I believe that I can fly. 

Wednesday 
 
I have an attitude that says I am different and no one really cares. It is my 
attitude about life that makes me stand out from others and some admire 
me for the ability to carry certain ways. It comes from the personality that 
allures people to pay attention. It is within the way I walk and smile that 
can light up a room of spectator wondering what I am going to do next. 
With certainty of influence on others I fear that I am not at all alone in this 
world.  

Thursday 

Today, I am no different that the person who is happy. I am not different 
than the person who is confident. I am no different than the person who 
is needy. I am no different than the person who is sad. I am not different 
than the person in power. I am no different than the person who prayed. I 
am no different than the person in love. I am no different than the person 
who was commended for trying or the one person who got a promotion 
or the one person who took the time out to help others. I am no different 
than any one person out there, because today, I put forth the effort to try 
to be somebody today. I dared to dream. 
 
Friday 
I am not connected to change for any reason. Change is sometimes good 
when things go your way. It is bad if it does not work out. It is super when 
your thoughts are motivated. You are excited if you are inspired. 
Everything is everything but what you want it to be but you are willing to 
accept things as they are and yet as time goes by we progress into another 
state of being or time frame that we have no control over than to accept 
things one day at a time. 
Winter 2014: DIARY JOURNAL 
I know no thirst, behind this peace of mind No familiar faces, 
behind this peace of mind Abandoned trust, behind this peace of mind 
Broken, death will come some day Ill-exposed by all the lies told 
Words of informality ill-imagined delusions 
There must be a better place in this world 
To heal the pain I now feel inside 
A place where solitude solicits my tears 
Solicits my fears of being touched 
Not by thoughts, I felt I loved once inside 
Deeply hidden rage holds a place dear to my heart I've been raped 
Alone in the night My innocence exercises, 
The pain, the fears, the tears I share Holds a dangerous place inside Ready to explode...  
DIARY JOURNAL: LOVE ANELA BROWN 6  
I know no thirst, behind this peace of mind No familiar faces, 
behind this peace of mind Abandoned trust, behind this peace of mind 
Broken, death will come some day Hit by the bearer of my roots 
No way It came unexpected, an intrusion I never wanted to hide 
I never invited you to walk on the idea I wanted you to have me 
No not this, not like this The memory of your breath 
The heat from inside Scatter thoughts of dead faces 
Moldering imprints in my mind... Your voice Your laugh Your love for me 
Have become the stones of sin... Alone in the night. 
The memories of love Are of naked dreams That wiped away my innocence 
What was of us Does not matter, of love... Nothing to do, but take my morning pill 
And when sunrise comes I'll be going another direction 
Without meaning, words have said its last good bye... Alone I hide the pain   
Monday 
I am reliving the past. I never know what to expect. I am living an imaginary 
life that has no presence. I cannot fell or see what is next to come. Life is a 
DIARY JOURNAL: LOVE ANELA BROWN 7   
manager of dreams in hope that you live to see it through. Nothing is real. 
There is no emotions. People become circumstance. They are a figment of 
your imagination. I cannot see. I cannot feel. I am trapped in a maze and 
do not know which direction is out. I am stuck in a time capsule of thoughts 
that will not let go. I am non-existence to reality. I am invisible to light. 
Tuesday 
I am tired of wanting things. Desiring is not necessary in life. There is more 
out of life than having to want. There is encouragement, purpose and hope 
for others that is far more meaningful. Having to help someone solve their 
problems is meaningful. Having helped someone achieved a goal in life is 
more meaningful. Purpose is fate in life. It is the drive in your journey of 
self-acknowledgement, self-worth and self-discovery. I have a need to 
reason with time to discover the purpose in life as manful. 
Wednesday 
I had a conversation with the moon today.  It is when the universe began 
to make since to me. There is a galaxy of stars or planets that evolve around 
DIARY JOURNAL: LOVE ANELA BROWN 8   
time and for eternity there is a celestial light that shines from the sun 
giving a beam of life that escapes for eternity through space. Today, I saw 
this light shining through space and its reflection was so bright that I 
began to question life. 
Thursday 
There is nothing more peaceful than solace. I pray to have my voice heard 
through the life of other voices in that we are on the same page. We feel 
the same. We think the same. We are different. We come from two walks 
of life. We have the same passions. We live explicitly different lives. Our 
ideas coming and going defining our purpose seldom forgotten but has 
made its mark, made its impression from reality. 
Friday 
Today, I cried. I am not alone from feeling the tears on my pillow. The anger 
of not being able to communicate I am trapped with emotions that 
breathe. Not having things my way, I lie afraid of my own shadow wanting 
to escape the darkness. I am alone. I have no one I can trust my feelings 
DIARY JOURNAL: LOVE ANELA BROWN 9   
with anymore. I am afraid to say anything in fear that no one really 
understands or cares about me. Being alone is coveted from the insanity 
of not having anyone at all. Wanting to escape from within, my tears will 
fill the ocean eternally wept in sorrow. 
Spring 2015: DIARY JOURNAL 
Gang Violence Spring 2015 
We wear the masks of blue violets 
Hidden behind two colors 
That mark the streets 
Blind the alleys 
That scar their dreams 
With broken speech 
No one understands  
Every day is a new round 
Every second is on the clock 
But our outcome 
Is a choice  
We live together 
We die together 
The spirit must live 
DIARY JOURNAL: LOVE ANELA BROWN 10    
We wear the masks of broken roses 
Walking stones into ashes 
Scattered dust in the wind 
Skeleton bones led to carry on 
Vulnerable and weak masks 
Die  
Without reason  
Every day is a new round 
Every second is on the clock 
But our outcome 
Is a choice  
We live together 
We die together 
And we must forgive  
Red and blue fight 
Without the waking pain 
Confused and unforgiven 
No one is to blame 
A blank stare 
Staring back at us 
As if we care 
DIARY JOURNAL: LOVE ANELA BROWN 11    
Every day is a new round 
Every second is on the clock 
But our outcome 
Is a choice  
I fell down 
But I got up  
We wear the masks of blue violets 
Hidden behind two colors 
That mark the streets 
Blind the alleys 
That scar their dreams 
With broken speech 
No one understands  
Every day is a new round 
Every second is on the clock 
But our outcome 
Is a choice  
We live together 
We die together 
The spirit must live 
DIARY JOURNAL: LOVE ANELA BROWN 12    
We wear the masks of broken roses 
Walking stones into ashes 
Scattered dust in the wind 
Skeleton bones led to carry on 
Vulnerable and weak masks 
Die  
Without reason  
Every day is a new round 
Every second is on the clock 
But our outcome 
Is a choice  
We live together 
We die together 
And we must forgive  
Red and blue fight 
Without the waking pain 
Confused and unforgiven 
No one is to blame 
A blank stare 
Staring back at us 
As if we care 
DIARY JOURNAL: LOVE ANELA BROWN 13    
Every day is a new round 
Every second is on the clock 
But our outcome 
Is a choice  
I fell down 
But I got up  
Monday 
Why does it have to be this way? Why do we choose to live this way? Why 
is life as it is? Why can't things change? Why do we doubt life? Why do we 
fight the way we do? Why can't we be happy? Why do we argue? Why? 
Why? Why? Is it because, few words without meaning is an informality to 
reason. Our fears have become the encouragement to find reasons for its 
own reason. 
Tuesday 
Somehow I noticed you changed. I think I am. I know. I know the difference 
when you are not happy. I know the difference when your skin changes 
DIARY JOURNAL: LOVE ANELA BROWN 14   
color. I know when your eyes are dark. I know when you have bags under 
your eyes. You are not sleeping. You are grouchy. You say things you don't 
mean. You roll your eyes at me as though you are ignoring me. You get 
angry. Give me a break and take a leak. I am giving you the time you need 
to readjust your life to being the way things were because you have 
changed. 
Wednesday 
I am insubordinate to feeling you. Everything I do is a consequence for 
action while I ask for permission to be who I am. Am I not o.k. for not doing 
anything wrong? O.K. I am willing to change. NO wait! I am mistaken for 
being stupid for not being who I used to be. What have I become? I no 
longer like who I am because of how I want you to want me as much as I 
want you. I am miserable without you and I do not feel accepted by my 
one true love of myself. I want to hold on. I want to give up. I want to try. 
I want to change, but I feel hopeless. I need you to say something, but even 
you don't know what we want for us. I am trapped in the glass ceiling and 
I cannot escape being confused. For the first time in my life, I fear being 
DIARY JOURNAL: LOVE ANELA BROWN 15   
alone. 
Thursday 
Time is on our side. There are no obligations. We hold these truths as 
evidence to indecisions we made long ago. At the time, we were 
decomposed from the lies we told about each other. As if we tried to be 
better than what we wanted each other to know. My feelings were on the 
bridge of no return. There is no way I could let a man be more than what I 
hoped for as you saw me through. I am not good enough to be the woman 
who needed to feel loved. I could not bring myself to your attention 
without telling lies. I wanted to be more than the girl next door. There is 
nothing inside emptiness except being alone without a friends hand to 
hold. 
Friday 
Iím the failure who gave up before anything happened. Quick to quit. Just 
not fit. I gave up for no reason. Afraid that I would actually mean 
something to someone better than me. I am guilty of treason. I did not 
DIARY JOURNAL: LOVE ANELA BROWN 16   
give up on life itself, I gave up on me trying to communicate things 
through. I am afraid of feeling someone needs me, trust me, wants to 
include me in their lives. I am afraid of getting hurt time after time and so 
I play a game of who will hurt who the most. I get you all warmed up and 
break it off. I win, but I am really failed in reconciling difference in getting 
to know someone who really wanted to care for me. 
Summer 2015 DIARY JOURNAL 
A Childís day begins with 
Finding a Solution 
Finding a Solution 
They want to learn 
And be great things 
But we fail to understand their cries 
Because we failed our children 
From pursuing their dreams 
We as their parents have deprived our child 
From funding their education 
With the tools they deserved 
Scarcity, the madness 
Startling, the sadness 
And the test scores are low 
DIARY JOURNAL: LOVE ANELA BROWN 17   
Our students are dropping out 
With no room for hope 
Our government is insecure 
But studentsí passion to learn is high 
They all want to earn the power 
We must not hear their cries 
In honesty we are not true to ourselves 
In reality we arenít being fair to our children 
We are ignoring the root of our problems 
Starts from the person within 
The whisper before dawn 
The silence of visible light 
Singing God's hymn infinitely in time. 
Their words are a reflection of mourning 
Not knowing foreshadowing history 
We share their agony 
We share their pain 
A mirror image of their journey. 
Nothing is eternal 
Only decades stand amongst our wound. 
We stand, we bond, and we pledge words of hope 
Every second, every minuet,  
Every hour in their memory 
Each moment underlies our journey  
And it is your voice that carries 
DIARY JOURNAL: LOVE ANELA BROWN 18   
Vicariously towards freedom. 
A mind is a terrible thing to waiste.  
Monday 
I learned to shut out what really means the most. The corners of my eyes 
are blocked from seeing with a wooden beam. I have learned to shut out 
the world the way the men shut out me. I fall every chance I get close to 
making those delusion I have for men seem real. It is not real. When will I 
learn to accept a man for who he is? Often I get caught up with my 
expectations for what I need that I donít always get what I want. The stars 
donít always adjust in the light. I am blinded by darkness in a deep dark 
hole that I cannot leave. Without holding on to chance. 
Tuesday 
However I viewed the world was different. I was built on the view that this 
time it would be different. It is when consequence made its mark, but I was 
deceived. I could not tell the truth that I was the blame for my own 
problems. I wore the mask of humility. I beat down on myself for not being 
DIARY JOURNAL: LOVE ANELA BROWN 19   
what other people wanted me to become. I am happy being me, I thought, 
but without including others, I am nothing. I cannot share success alone. I 
cannot achieve without others moral support to say, we did it. Life is lonely 
without knowing. Alone my heart weeps to exist. 
Wednesday 
Thoughts are my imagination. To conceive thought is to make up reason 
to what you are impartial to. I am the only measurement of my fate. Time 
chases vitality to reason. One kind act deserves another. We live in a world 
where everything embodies one another. There is a need for inclusion in a 
surreal measurement of life. I wear the mask of conviction. Why do we hide 
back our feelings in chains, when what we really feel inside is the need to 
feel wanted. 
Thursday 
Quitting is not an option. I am going to look at my diary and find my 
strengths. I have done a lot of good things with my life. I learn from my 
mistakes. I am passionate about who I am. I could be a lot of great things. 
DIARY JOURNAL: LOVE ANELA BROWN 20   
My ancestors before me have set a good map for me to follow. I can learn 
from them and their struggle. I struggle the same in only different ways. 
They had to be strong to survive love, loss and pain. I could be the same. I 
must not give up. I must march this walk of death and live my life for the 
love of who I am. I cannot reject my goals. I have found who I am and there 
is no turning back. 
Friday 
Today is the day of inquiry. I have decided to be true to my feelings about 
life. I am the portrayer of my dreams. I am the procurer of self-hope. I 
speak with the conviction of hope. The meaning of my fate is my identity. 
My thoughts invoke reason. I am an African American female who dares to 
dream.   
  

Diary of Intimacy by Angela Brown

© Copyright 2016. All rights reserved. No portion of this work may be duplicated or copied without the expressed written consent of the author.



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