by Amber Nichole
"I was her, I was sleeping beauty. Under the spell of a man's kiss I was mesmerized by his bliss and the way he'd touch my fancy. And with every touch another part of my identity went missing when I let him romance me, oblivious to who I was and how it was affecting my self-esteem.
I had become the girl who had no clue who she was, rejected by many all because, they said I was too dark skinned! You're too tall, and you can't possibly think you'll ever be a model, because you're not thin enough at all.
So my visions were blurred and aspirations drowned in uncertainty all because there was a part of my body that was touched the wrong way at the age of 6, 7, and 13, which contaminated my search and I was blinded to what I was really worth, therefore causing a void so deep on the inside, I wanted to end it all, I wanted to runaway and hide.
Mentally abused, I hated myself so, that I cursed my very birth and the Heartache that accelerated at a rapid pace by those who rejected me, I couldn't forgive them and let it go.
Asking God why was I even born, why in the world did you make me. I've been rejected and molested by those I trusted most, nobody could tell me that I was born with purpose or that I had a destiny, when I was the one that was enduring all this hurt, this certainly couldn't be the way my life was supposed to go.
Drowning in my mistakes and all the faults I've made that caused such a detachment in my purpose and now I'm so out of touch with me. Up was all that I was giving I was just existing in life and certainly not living. I hated me, and it seemed the only time I would come alive is when I was high or when a guy showed me some attention. And not to mention I was so naive giving my body as an instrument for men to play me, over and over again. But when the thrill passed my heart was yet again devastated and left caving in. He was my antidote though, that constantly covered up my pain.
Deficient emotions dropped by everyone that I deemed to be the closest, and I felt like a slave to hate because when I needed love the most I'd reach out and they would all run away, always abandoned at my lowest state. I was a victim of rape,
and the memories I can't seem to erase, not even popping pills or the brief thrill of getting high would take this pain away. You may think today, you're drowning and nothing in this life can pull you out, but I'm here to tell you that if you're willing to let go of the rage god will replace it with hope even when it seems your joy is in a drought.
Forgive those that stole that valuable piece of you. It's not over. His plan is still in motion, I promise your life isn't through, that horrible part that you experienced was designed to help someone else that maybe hopeless too.
A beautiful portrait some of you may seem, but deep down on the inside Your life is such a catastrophe, a beautiful mess that no one can see because they're distracted by your outer shell, all made up, walking with a strut And on the inside You're a living hell.
I was her, sleeping beauty. Dead on the inside, needing to be revived ready to take my like life because I thought nobody heard my cries. I was the one that needed a kiss to be awakened, and I'm not talking about that physical kiss, because I've had enough of those and all I reaped was heart break which left me broken open and my emotions exposed.
I need that kiss of kindness from someone that won't leave my side, that kiss of light upon my life where the pain and darkness reside. I need that kiss that will make my heart sing again, that kiss of hope that will cause my soul to breathe again.
Can anyone hear me? I so desperately want to experience the joys of life that God has created for me to see, even though bad things have happened to me and yes, people did walked away and there were seasons that I was constantly depressed. And seasons when nobody stayed,
But now, I'll say I'm going hold my head up high and walk through the door of destiny, as if it's a brand new day. I encourage you to Hold your head up high and never look down, no matter who might say, you won't make it, that you're not a king or a queen, don't stop wearing your crown
I let God put my life back together piece by piece and I stopped wondering how every part of me would fit, and acknowledge that I need to be stitched and put back together again, that part of me that was split. It was my heart that had been bruised by the very hands I once trusted and adorned, it was torn apart.
But I am moving on and forgetting the pains of my past, this is now my plea, I won't look back anymore I'm walking through that door of destiny, so allow your healing to take place today, removing the mask so others can see you say I'm finally free and I've reached my destination called me.